Visits, Dream Shopping, and What Really Matters

I've had more of those wonderful reunions since I last wrote.  My family and I were able to celebrate Thanksgiving as well as Nana's 80th, Richard's 29th, & Lindsey's 27th birthdays in Portland with my mom's whole side of the fam.  It was wonderful!  I also got to spend the day today with Amaya who is home from NY.  It was so good just to be with loved ones.

Warning : This is going to be a fluff piece.  I'm feeling fluffy ;)

I'm still contemplating a tattoo.  I want the theme to be unconditional love.  If you can think of a line, phrase, pic that exemplifies me please post it so I can include it in the ideas I'm mulling over.

I love wishlists.  We've been over this.  My lists are full of things I don't need, but still love thinking about.  I think they are the most fun right before birthdays & Christmas because of all the possibility.  Currently there are a few things I've been drooling over.  One of them is in my "lately" list to the right.  I saw it at Nordstrom tonight and now I'm longing for it.  Gorgeous and fun while still pulling off sophistication.  I'm also loving Hobo's Lauren wallet in Mogano.   My Sephora wishlist is bursting.  Amaya got me one of the fragrances I'd been wanting - Saint by Kat Von D.  The other one I'm wanting is Unconditional Love.  Sorry, for all the silly gushing.  Amaya & I wandered the mall and I got all starry eyed.

Here comes the substance:

With Christmas coming I wanted to let folks know of some great places to donate to help those in need.  A number of my friends & family are donating instead of exchanging gifts.  I think it is awesome and wanted to encourage my readers to do the same.  These are only a few options.  There are so many other places to give.  Please consider giving gifts that will last and change lives this year. 

Heart to Heart International
Community Pregnancy Centers 
CityTeam Ministries
Living Water International
Covenant House 

Familiar Faces OR That Joyful Leap Of Your Heart

In early October I got to be part of some homecomings and overlapping visits of old friends.  Kelly made it back to SJ to adopt my Sis-In-Law's dog (being the saint she is drove all the way from AZ to pick her up).  Kerr came for a wedding.  It was the first time since my wedding in 2005 they were here at the same time.

Kelly and I sat across from one another in eighth grade science.  We've been close ever since.  We saw each other through the best and worst of high school.  We helped each other grapple with things fourteen, fifteen, and sixteen year olds should never have to face.  We built the sort of bonds that make you sisters no matter the passage of time.  Kel moved to Arizona after shortly after we graduated and, although we visited regularly for a few years, in the end we floated in and out of one another's lives.  This time it had been two years since we'd seen each other.

Kerr and I met in junior high as well.  We started to get close when he & Dom would cut church and walk to my house on Sunday mornings.  It wasn't until freshman year, however, that we became best friends.  Strangely enough, I remember the exact moment that cinched it.  I was fourteen and he was fifteen (our birthdays are back to back) and it was at a party at Raf's.  I was there for him in a moment of need.  After that we were there for each other, period.  Over the last eighteen years our lives have changed and gone in different directions, but there has never been a moment when we couldn't call the other.  Kerr had been home several months back, but we never get to see enough of each other when he is here and there is always a sadness when he has to go back to Texas.

The weekend after Kelly and Kerr's visits I got to see my cousin Bart for the first time in twelve years.  Bart & I are only a few months apart in age.  We grew up near each other until we were about eight years old and our families moved.  His to Wisconsin and mine to California.  From then on we lived half way and, at times, all the way across the country from each other.  We'd see each other every few years and it'd be like no time had passed at all.  I can't believe this time it had been twelve years, long enough for me to finish college, him to be stationed overseas more than once, us to both get married, and for me to have a child.

What I wanted to write about was that moment you first see a loved one after much too much time has passed.  It is the moment you first lay eyes on them when it fully hits you just how much you've missed them.  You are always aware that you miss them when you think of them, but life keeps going and you accept that you don't get to see them.  You stop really thinking about the fact that they are no longer part of your everyday life, though you'd like them to be.  All of that dulls until the moment you see them again.  All of a sudden it washes over you how much you've missed them and how glad you are that they have been in your life.  I felt so blessed to get to have three of those moments within a week.  Kelly, Kerr, and Bart, I love you guys more than you know.  Boppa, Momma, Richard, Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, Talicia, Amaya, Janette, and a few others, I'm waiting for those moments.  I love you and I can't wait until I see you next!!

Avoidance Never Makes It Go Away

Amaya has once again inspired me (she's pretty good at that, as most of you know).  She has finally caught up on her blog and it challenged me to do the same.  You may have noticed I've been avoiding writing much of anything deep for a while now.  The ideas for blog entries have been piling up in my head, but I just haven't been able to force myself to sit down and write them.  I think part of it has been how busy we've been this last month.  We've been hugely blessed to see family which is wonderful; however, having so much going on and traveling and such has just left me spent.  When I get a chance to sit down all I want to do veg out and let my brain leak out my ear.  This has led to more than a few hours of mindless television and Bejeweled Blitz.  It has also led to my poor blog gathering dust except for very brief entries, quotes, and videos.  Sorry.  I will put some time into it this week.

"Live From An Authentic Place"

I heard that tonight (spoken by Rick Allen of Def Leppard) and it struck me.  I've been working on it for a while now and I feel like I'm getting better at it.  I've said before that I spent too much time pretending all was well even when it wasn't, but part of what God has been teaching me as of late is that living authentically means sharing my joys as well.  It means connecting with people.  I don't think I have invested enough in people in the last few years.  My friendships are dear to me, but I don't make (or sometimes, unfortunately, have) time for them.  I think in some ways I've gotten lazy if I'm honest, but life has also changed.  I feel disjointed at times because there are so many amazing people around me that I love deeply.  I want to spend time with all of them, but, realistically, I can't.  I feel like because of that I have many shallow relationships instead of a few deep ones.  Thankfully, I've been blessed with some great friends that I can pick up with after a long time and feel like we saw each other yesterday.  Unfortunately, we don't get to live day to day life together.  All this to say that God has been teaching me that I need those connections.  He has also been reminding me that most of all I need Him.  He is the one who makes me feel whole.  He is the one who is all sufficient.  I haven't been making time for Him lately and I feel the drain of it.  I need more than quick prayers before meals, bed, and as I fly through my day.  I need to really connect with Him.  My marriage, my child, and my loved ones will receive the overflowing blessings if I do.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort" 

---2 Cor. 1:3

Blurb

I want to post all about my amazing birthday and the incredible people who made it that way, but I can't! I have a baby with a small sleep window and LOTS to do for the divine Mrs. Lee, her tiny Lee, & the baby shower of love. For now, thanks so much to everyone who made me feel so loved on (and before) my big day! Also,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KERR!!!

Picking Up The Pen

I used to be a poet. That sounds grandiose, but it's not. I used to write poetry. I haven't written a poem in ages. I'm almost positive the last thing a wrote was a poem to Amaya's father. If I'm correct, that was roughly five years ago. Before that I was nearly always writing. If you want to see a few things I wrote, feel free. A lot of my writing was born out of confusion, irony, longing, joy, or sadness. I still experience those, but I guess I process them differently now. I've been mulling over trying to start writing again. We'll see what comes of it. For tonight, here is what did:

Soft rain and strong music mingle in my ears
Flirting with the silence of the night.

More Excitement!!

I have more good news that I feel the need to share:

1. Stephanie's blog totally blessed and is helping me.
2. I got a coupon for a free pint of Starbucks Ice Cream!!
3. I'M GETTING A PACKAGE FROM AMAYA TOMORROW!!! If you didn't know, I love mail and surprises!!
4. My birthday is coming!
   
5. Peter bought me cookie dough!
6. Talicia is visiting soon!!!
   

The Rest of the List of Things I Want:

1. See previous entry for number one. (Note - accomplished on a walk with Kacey)
2. To love like God
3. More time with friends/deeper time with friends (especially Kacey, Lacie, Sarah, & Stacy)
4. To go see Janette at the hospital
5. A green dragon roll
6. A pedicure
   
7. Amaya to visit
8. All my laundry to be magically done
9. A massage
   
10. Talicia to live in San Jose
11. A pair of Red Engine jeans
12. Amaya's mom's chocolate mousse
    
13. To see my daughter's beautiful smile
14. To continue learning how to be a better friend
15. A vanity
    
16. My hubbie to be home from work
17. A bigger apartment (still on the wishlist, but no longer worrying about it)
18. "Eli Stone" to be un-canceled

I Love Mail

First card from NY (complete with confetti):

Lessons Learn-ing

God has used all kinds of things to teach me about Him, His love, myself, and life. Lately He has been using my daughter. This makes a lot of sense since most of my time is spent with her. I thought I'd share what I'm learning.

1. God really does delight in me and rejoice over me with singing (Zeph. 3:17). I do these things as a mom all the time without thinking anything of it, my Perfect and Loving Heavenly Father does the same. AMAZING!

2. Stop to smell the roses. Feel the sun on your face. Take time to enjoy the beauty of God's creation. Life will be better if you do. YOU will be better if you do.

3. "Tantrums don't get you what you want." I have said this to my daughter multiple times, and yet I'm only starting to learn it myself. I want to give Aubrie good things. God wants to give me good things. (Matt. 7:11) We just need to learn to ask instead of throwing a fit or trying so desperately hard to get it ourselves.

4. Express yourself. Show and tell people how you feel (Prov. 27:5). Whether it be on your face, in your words, or with what you are wearing show the world where you are inside and who you are. This is really a repeat of several of Aldeana's lessons.

It is worth repeating, because this lesson in particular is hard for me. For years I have been a "stuffer." I rarely deal with my emotions in what one might call a timely manner. When my Grandma died I feverishly wrote a paper for school that wasn't due for days. When my mom's dad died (closing the door on my ever getting to meet him) I ignored it until years later when I came across a bracelet he & his wife had gotten me and sobbed. When my Grandpa died I built a jumperoo. Anyone who knows me knows almost any given break-up I had was briefly cried over before I moved on too quicky, only to try to then try to heal from the last relationship in the midst of my new one (F.Y.I. horrible idea). Part of my difficulty is that I have also mastered the art of denial. Growing up, in any given family crisis I pretended that either everything was fine or that it would be. Recently I've remembered times when my parents were sick (even in the hospital) when I was young and only now am I being able to deal with the fact that only by God's grace are they still here. When Amaya moved I spent months ignoring it. Then, the week of, I switched over to "stuffing," knowing I'd probably have a break down when she showed up to say goodbye. I didn't. I couldn't. Only as she drove away did I lose it. Later that day I took stock. I realized I've been stuffing so long I can hard "unpack" the emotions. I prayed and God is helping me. I'm learning to be real, but it is unbelievably hard. He is helping me to express myself, but more often than not it takes a while. For those that love me, please have patience and call me on it if you catch me stifling.

Enough Already

Today I'm wearing my official "I miss Amaya" T-shirt, because I do. Stupid New York.

Really?!

FACT: I love to shop. For those who know me this is not news. Granted, I don't buy a lot of things, but shopping to me is relaxing and fun. That is unless I'm being forced to shop for a swim suit, but who enjoys that kind of torture?
FACT: I may be the queen of wishlists. I have more than I can count. I think they are the grown up equivalent of letters to Santa. They are exciting and full of possibility. Even if I never get a single item on the list, I picked them out. They are internet window shopping and I love them.
All this being said, I stumbled onto a disturbing phenomenon today. I was drawn in by the "next blog" button when reading Amaya's posts (side note - you should go read them) and was whisked away to a blog dedicated to one persons shopping conquests. The girl proudly displayed her new purses and wallets in photo after photo. I found the idea disconcerting. Have we become so taken with our purchases that we have to take their pictures and show them off on the internet? Is this a joke I'm missing the punchline to?

I'm going to go make myself a chai and relax while my precious one naps. I'm in process of mulling over several more meaty subjects for future blog posts. I thought that would be welcome news after my rant.

Thoughts of a Woman Who Is Not Asleep

When I visited Jessie Lee, Mike, and their beautiful baby in the hospital last night we discussed how quickly men tend to fall asleep. We came to the conclusion that this is because many men have the ability to shut down their thoughts while women tend to let them swirl around in their heads at night. Driving this point home is the fact that, as I type this, my sweet husband is fast asleep and has been since about five minutes after crawling into bed. Clearly, I am not asleep. After that interesting conversation I decided I'd give the world a peek into what goes on in a woman's head when she should be drifting off to dreamland. Here is a chronicle of my thoughts this particular night:
1. Amaya on her flight to New York and how proud I am of her for doing this
2. Begin writing two poems in my head
(roll over)
3. I'm not sleeping
4. Aforementioned discussion
(roll back over)
5. I need a hair cut
6. Furrow brow at current "mom cut"
7. Wonder how my little one is sleeping
8. Imagine how cute she is right now
9. Design possible new hairstyle
10. Weigh pros and cons of putting a wide streak of dark purple in my bangs
11. Contemplate where to get hair cut (Stephanie's work vs. my old stylist vs. Lacie's hairdresser vs. Kacey's relative)
(roll over)
12. Need for sleep so I can be at church in the morning
13. Lenny's birthday celebration and the fun I had with friends from church (and a few not from church)
14. Begin writing this blog in my head
15. Debate getting up to write blog
(get up)

There you have it, your very own jaunt into the sleepless cerebrum of a woman. Now I'm off to make another valiant attempt at slumber.

Rediculpus

Yes, the title is a typo, but I love it so it stays

I did it. I created a blog. I have always used social networks to blog. I had one on Friendster (now deleted), Myspace, and I leave notes on Facebook. I think I have found comfort in how temporary they feel. This one is all mine and permanent. That is a little scary (so maybe I haven't fully conquered my fear of commitment). I actually created this blog days ago, only to realize I'm avoiding writing in it because it means I have to stop and process. One of my closest friends is moving across the country today. I'm trying to ignore that I'll say goodbye to her in 3 hours. I don't want to cry and I know if I write more I'll cry so instead I'll just post a pithy picture that relates.

Random Fact For Distraction Purposes - Bob Dylan is one of my favorite poets.