A Year!

It's been a year!  I can't believe it.  Life has been going well, but has been busy.  My youngest is running, dancing, and talking up a storm.  My oldest is still my more quiet observer - sitting looking at books as I type.  Her sister is running around in a diaper & tutu lamenting, "my horsie gone!"  Lately I've been working on taking better care of myself.  I'm finally back to working out and reading more.  I'm getting to connect with friends more than I have in a long while, but I still find it much harder in this season of life.  Hubbie and I celebrated our seventh anniversary last month.  He still makes me laugh like no one else and amazes me with his heart.  I'm growing closer to God and so thankful for His grace.  I hadn't been spending much time with Him over the last year.  Not the way I used to.  I could feel it.  I'm not the person I desire to be when I'm not connecting with Him.  I'll update more later, but for now this is a start.

Today

Happy Mother's Day!
That is to all of you who are mothers and all of you who long to be.  Today can be a wonderful day or a very hard one (for many reasons - hopes unrealized, miscarriages, abortions, rough relationships with your own mom or having lost her).  I wanted to recognize that today is not like any other day.  May it be a wonderful and healing day for YOU.

Deep Breaths

I love the way my baby smells.  I'm convinced that God made her smell that way for a reason.  Because sometimes when things are crazy I snuggle her and just breathing in her smell convinces me that everything will be all right.

Whine, Wimper, Rejoice

My children randomly woke up last night...a lot.  I'm exhausted and cranky.
The laundry is staring at me.  My laundromat is being evicted.
For some unknown reason my children now will not nap.  One starts to, only to be woken up by the other.  Then they trade roles.

I want a nap or giant coffee or my parents to live closer and play with my children for several hours.  None of these things are happening right now.

In the silly little rough stuff of day to day motherhood - He is still risen.

Easter

It's been a busy few days.  The weekend was packed with wonderful birthday parties for precious little girls.  The week so far has been a beautiful blur of visits from my family.  It's quiet in my house now.  Things are slowing down a bit before the holiday weekend.  It's giving me time to think.  Easter is coming.  It's my favorite holiday.  Everything in my life hinges on this Sunday, on these words,

"He is not here; He has risen, just as He said..."

-Matt 28:6

That changes everything.  All of history, eternity, and I will never be the same.  Breathtaking!  I'm astounded by the miracle and the simplicity of God's unending grace.  I can't forget though that Good Friday is also coming.  I can't forget what had to come first.  The sacrifice that was required so that grace could be extended, so that I could be forgiven.  It's heartbreaking and humbling - the depth of His love for me...and for you.

Happy Easter!

He is Risen!

Updates, Creations, & Searches

What am I up to these days?  Lots!  Here's a quick run down.

• I'm nurturing my 6 month & 3 year old daughters, working on being a more loving wife, and seeking God.  I feel like I'm doing better in these areas than I have been in a long time.
• I'm considering working out.  For some of you this may be a no brainer, but for me it's not.  I hate working out.  I've never been a sporty girl.  When I was younger I loved no work out exercise like walking places, skateboarding, etc.  Lately I've been much too inactive and I don't like it.  I don't like the way I feel or the way it looks on me.  I know myself well enough to know I need to find something I'll enjoy or I'll never stick with it.  I enjoy out Wii Fit+, but it's broken right now.  Any suggestions?
  
• I'm crafting for the first time in a while.  I had been knitting a lot, but have put that on hold for now.  I recently began creating jewelry.  I'm loving it!  It's fun, easy, and the pieces make fantastic accessories.  Here's a pic:

• I'm researching tattoo artists in the bay area and planning to get my tattoo for my birthday in August.  If you have a suggestion let me know.  I need someone who is good with lettering and, of course, works in a clean, safe shop. 
• I've been feeling inspired to start sewing again.  I'd like to start making things for my girls.  I'm basically a beginning sewer.  I took sewing in jr. high and made several things.  In high school I made one of my halloween costumes by following a pattern.  I hadn't used a machine in ages until two years ago when Kacey helped me make a quilt for my mom.  Now I want to get a sewing machine.  Anyone have suggestions for a good machine for beginners?  I'm not even sure how to start comparing them or what to look for.  Here's a pic of me holding up the quilt I mentioned:

• I've fallen into the busy day to day and haven't been spending time on myself.  I want to remedy this for myself, but also for my family.  I want to look nice for my husband.  I want to set an example for my girls.  I'm teaching them that inner beauty comes from loving the Lord.  It shines through love and kindness that glorifies God.  It comes from your character and it is the most important kind of beauty.  I'm also teaching them that caring for yourself and your appearance is important too.  The fact that it is less important doesn't mean it is unimportant.  The best way I can teach them these things is by my example.  To do that I need something easy so I'm working on a "five minute face" by trying new make-up tips and products.  I'll let you know what I find.  Please share if you have favorites I should check out.  

Dear Sleep, I miss you.

Last night's sleep schedule:

• 2AM - finally fell asleep
• 2:30 - woken up by Sweet Sickie Face who wanted to climb in my bed, told no, and sent back to bed, she accidentally woke up Beautiful Baby Eat Non-stop.
• 2:45 - falling back to sleep
• 3:10 - Beautiful Baby Eat Non-stop decided she should have been eating instead of sleeping
• 4:45 - I was finally able to get Beautiful Baby Eat Non-stop fed and to fall back to sleep
• 6AM? -  Beautiful Baby Eat Non-stop lost her paci and woke up crying  Wonderful Man I Married remedied the situation
• 7AM? (I'm not sure the time because the delirium had set in) - woken up by Sweet Sickie Face who again wanted to climb in my bed This time she was told yes (the family rule is she has to wait until the sun shines through the curtains) and she was sent over to Wonderful Man I Married 
• 7:05 - 8:00 faded in and out of sleep between questions, pokes, and demands from Sweet Sickie Face until Wonderful Man I Married got the two of them breakfast
• 8:35 Beautiful Baby Eat Non-stop woke up and was quite alarmed it had been so long since her last meal

~The End or, More Appropriately, The Beginning of the Day~

 

 

In a mostly unrelated matter, I was reading Cara-Deo today and was blessed by the quote, "It says desperation is better than despair. And where God's power begins."  I wanted to share it in case you might find it encouraging as well.

Now this sleepy and very silly mommy must go feed that beautiful baby again.

Smiles on a Sick Day

My oldest is sick.  She has the cutest little froggie voice right now.  Rainy inside days with a sick toddler and a baby in the midst of a growth spurt are not known to be full of smiles, but today I was thankful for the little things.  That made quite a difference.  The other, even bigger thing was getting some time with God.  Here are some of the things that made me smile today:

Coffee from my sweet husband

A no real reason phone call from my mom

Reading this awesome book to my sickie face

My beautiful girls (matching outfits c/o Nana)

 This super fun dress by Jelly the Pug I ordered for A

Even better?  Getting it from modnique for $13 instead of $36

Can't wait to see her in it!

Texting, FBing, & E-mailing with Janette, 

my best friend since we were 12

Sharing music I love with my littles

This "album cover" photo of Boo

Notice the drum around her neck while playing harmonica 

This post & just how much God loves ME

 

This hat

One of my babies might need one

I wonder if I could make it

and this song...

I hope your day was full of smiles too!

Many Thanks

I just wanted to say thank you to all those who have out poured support, love, and prayers since my Trouble post.  I'm doing much better.  The mastitis seems to have passed and I'm only having twinges of pain here & there now.  We have been able to feed L without supplementing with formula for the last week thanks to Peter letting me nap & rest as I've needed to & using fenugreek.  Being rested & built up by God has made me feel more confident both in general & as a mom.  My girls have also helped.  My youngest gives me giant smiles every time she wakes up and sees me.  My oldest is growing in new ways all the time.  Last night she was trying on swim suits for her new lessons starting today and all of a sudden she went leaping through the air and yelled, "I'm a rock star!"  It was both a precious thing & a challenge for me.  It was precious to see her so carefree and confident.  It was a challenge because I feel nothing like a rock star when I put on a swim suit.  It made me wonder when we women lose that confidence and challenged me to reclaim it.  Being the mom of a three year old girl is amazing that way.  It is growing me as a woman as well as a mom.  We, of course, have battles of the wills, but part of that is her developing into her own person.  I remind myself regularly that her willfulness not only gives me opportunities to learn patience, but also is growing her into a more confident little girl.  I want her to be able to make up her own mind and not be a follower.  It's just very hard when I need her to obey as well.  Teaching her to respect us as her parents and do as she is told, but still have a mind of her own is not an easy task.  I'd totally welcome any advice on the balance others might have to offer.  Another thing I've found encouraging as of late has been the blogs of other believers and moms.  Here are a few I've been really enjoying:

• Sometimes Sweet (she is also a fashion inspiration to me as I'm working on the project of finding my style again)
• Steph in the Suburbs 
• Mommy Needs Coffee (me too)
• Gathered from Afar
• Cara - Deo
• Trouble Bound : A Better Life (an awesome blog & reminder of God's incredible faithfulness) 
• Storing Up Treasures
• The Leaky Boob

The music of Kendall Payne has been encouraging as well.

I must draw this to a close.  It's time for the "Rock Star" to go to her first swim lesson without mom or dad by her side in the pool!

Trouble

I'm going through a hard season.  In it I've found I'm not as open as I used to be.  I've fallen into exactly what I've always hated...pretending everything is fine.  I'm fighting that and opening up to friends and family.  I decided the next step was to open up here.  This is, in part, a blog about motherhood because, in part, I am a mother.  I love being a mother of two.  There are, of course, moments I'm not so sure I'm qualified for this "hardest job you'll ever love," but I find that loving them so much makes me qualified.  Beyond that love I fumble through with plenty of prayer and my best.  My biggest struggle this time around has been with nursing.  With my first there were some general struggles, but all in all it was wonderful.  I even ended up nursing her a few months longer than the year I had originally intended.  With my new little it has been something entirely different.  It started out well, but then in the last two months or so we've been facing some serious challenges.  I'm very committed to nursing.  I want to continue until she is a year old not only because of the amazing bonding experience it can be, but because it makes such a difference for her health and future.  I know many people don't have the option to nurse and would never judge, but for me it has been a non-negotiable.  If you don't want to know too much (or know I'd be embarrassed by your knowing) this is the time to wave off (I'll bold later if you want to just skip ahead).  Enter what the doctor calls "suction and latch issues" (she's latching, but not properly and is a bit too strong).  That led to bleeding, horrible pain, and then to the dreaded mastitis.  I've been very tempted to give up, but I'm not going to.  If I was strong enough to unintentionally birth her without medication I can get through this for her.  (Skip to here) I just want to be able to be a good mom and wife at the same time.  I feel like that is there area where I'm achieving an epic fail at times.  I'm less patient when in pain.  Couple this with my toddler who skipped the terrible twos almost entirely, only to invent the Amazing but Willful Threes and you get a very cranky mommy.  I praise God for providing me the fruit of the Spirit (chiefly patience and self control) in moments when I don't have them (or anything else) left in me.  Thankfully my family is patient with me.  I finally decided to mention what I've been going through here because I found so much comfort in the blogs I found online where moms shared their own struggles.  So to Sarah (from Becoming Sarah) & Jessica (from The Leaky B@@b, link below), thank you so much for your authenticity and transparency.  I'm not going into much detail here, but if there are others facing these things please feel free to contact me and I will share my experiences or just offer support.  For now here are some things that are helping me out today:

My beauties

This blog entry (there are nursing photos & I know some people don't like that so be warned)

My hubbie

by PaperArtOriginals

but most of all,

 

"I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." 

Philippians 4:13

Best Thing I've Done All Day

My daughter ran into the living room yelling, "Mommy, Mommy, I can't find the baby!  They can't fly away from the big bad wolf without the baby!"  The crisis has been averted.  I found  the baby!  Now Sharkie, the baby, and a pink monkey have flown away in various shoes to "America" and escaped the big, bad wolf.  I am amazing!

Being a Mom Means...

....that when your bed is invaded an hour before you wanted to get up you find yourself with a tiny knee in your back, kicks in your tummy, & a huge grin on your face.

Unexpected Truth

My daughter brought me to tears today.  We were sitting eating lunch and discussing going over to a friend's mom's house later in the day.  It was a normal conversation, but her simple and sweet statement left me needing to "get something from the kitchen" before she saw that I was about to lose it.

You see, the friend we were discussing lost her dad when she was sixteen.  A parent's death is always a horrible tragedy, but she lost him in one of the worst ways you can lose a loved one.  Knowing this and the pain it has brought my friend I was left scrambling when my two year old innocently asked, "Where her daddy?"  I recovered quickly and told her, "He's gone, Baby.  He went away."  She thought about this a moment before replying, "He's probably at work."  In her world anytime a daddy isn't around he is at work (now and then he is playing golf, but only rarely).  She then went on to say, "She misses him...sometimes she cries for him."  Knowing how true those words were broke my heart.  Knowing my little one hasn't had to begin to understand that sometimes daddies go away and don't come back is bittersweet.  I'm incredibly thankful she doesn't know it and yet I know the day will come when she has to learn that heart wrenching truth, even if it isn't first hand.  Her words crushed me anew for my friend's loss as well.  I know she has grieved and grown immeasurably from the girl who first lost the most important man in her life, but I don't think anyone finishes grieving a parent's death.  It is a continual loss.  I heard that in the little voice of my toddler today as she spoke those words, "She misses him...sometimes she cries for him."

Visits, Dream Shopping, and What Really Matters

I've had more of those wonderful reunions since I last wrote.  My family and I were able to celebrate Thanksgiving as well as Nana's 80th, Richard's 29th, & Lindsey's 27th birthdays in Portland with my mom's whole side of the fam.  It was wonderful!  I also got to spend the day today with Amaya who is home from NY.  It was so good just to be with loved ones.

Warning : This is going to be a fluff piece.  I'm feeling fluffy ;)

I'm still contemplating a tattoo.  I want the theme to be unconditional love.  If you can think of a line, phrase, pic that exemplifies me please post it so I can include it in the ideas I'm mulling over.

I love wishlists.  We've been over this.  My lists are full of things I don't need, but still love thinking about.  I think they are the most fun right before birthdays & Christmas because of all the possibility.  Currently there are a few things I've been drooling over.  One of them is in my "lately" list to the right.  I saw it at Nordstrom tonight and now I'm longing for it.  Gorgeous and fun while still pulling off sophistication.  I'm also loving Hobo's Lauren wallet in Mogano.   My Sephora wishlist is bursting.  Amaya got me one of the fragrances I'd been wanting - Saint by Kat Von D.  The other one I'm wanting is Unconditional Love.  Sorry, for all the silly gushing.  Amaya & I wandered the mall and I got all starry eyed.

Here comes the substance:

With Christmas coming I wanted to let folks know of some great places to donate to help those in need.  A number of my friends & family are donating instead of exchanging gifts.  I think it is awesome and wanted to encourage my readers to do the same.  These are only a few options.  There are so many other places to give.  Please consider giving gifts that will last and change lives this year. 

Heart to Heart International
Community Pregnancy Centers 
CityTeam Ministries
Living Water International
Covenant House 

Familiar Faces OR That Joyful Leap Of Your Heart

In early October I got to be part of some homecomings and overlapping visits of old friends.  Kelly made it back to SJ to adopt my Sis-In-Law's dog (being the saint she is drove all the way from AZ to pick her up).  Kerr came for a wedding.  It was the first time since my wedding in 2005 they were here at the same time.

Kelly and I sat across from one another in eighth grade science.  We've been close ever since.  We saw each other through the best and worst of high school.  We helped each other grapple with things fourteen, fifteen, and sixteen year olds should never have to face.  We built the sort of bonds that make you sisters no matter the passage of time.  Kel moved to Arizona after shortly after we graduated and, although we visited regularly for a few years, in the end we floated in and out of one another's lives.  This time it had been two years since we'd seen each other.

Kerr and I met in junior high as well.  We started to get close when he & Dom would cut church and walk to my house on Sunday mornings.  It wasn't until freshman year, however, that we became best friends.  Strangely enough, I remember the exact moment that cinched it.  I was fourteen and he was fifteen (our birthdays are back to back) and it was at a party at Raf's.  I was there for him in a moment of need.  After that we were there for each other, period.  Over the last eighteen years our lives have changed and gone in different directions, but there has never been a moment when we couldn't call the other.  Kerr had been home several months back, but we never get to see enough of each other when he is here and there is always a sadness when he has to go back to Texas.

The weekend after Kelly and Kerr's visits I got to see my cousin Bart for the first time in twelve years.  Bart & I are only a few months apart in age.  We grew up near each other until we were about eight years old and our families moved.  His to Wisconsin and mine to California.  From then on we lived half way and, at times, all the way across the country from each other.  We'd see each other every few years and it'd be like no time had passed at all.  I can't believe this time it had been twelve years, long enough for me to finish college, him to be stationed overseas more than once, us to both get married, and for me to have a child.

What I wanted to write about was that moment you first see a loved one after much too much time has passed.  It is the moment you first lay eyes on them when it fully hits you just how much you've missed them.  You are always aware that you miss them when you think of them, but life keeps going and you accept that you don't get to see them.  You stop really thinking about the fact that they are no longer part of your everyday life, though you'd like them to be.  All of that dulls until the moment you see them again.  All of a sudden it washes over you how much you've missed them and how glad you are that they have been in your life.  I felt so blessed to get to have three of those moments within a week.  Kelly, Kerr, and Bart, I love you guys more than you know.  Boppa, Momma, Richard, Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, Talicia, Amaya, Janette, and a few others, I'm waiting for those moments.  I love you and I can't wait until I see you next!!

Little Joys

My brother was in town for the weekend and this morning we dragged our exhausted selves out the door to take my daughter for a walk.  We meandered along talking while my toddler rode in her stroller.  When we were a little more than half way home we wandered through the park and A wanted to get out and walk.  I let her and she ended up walking then running then walking again the rest of the several blocks home.  It was amazing.  I loved watching her explore.  She picked up acorns and stuffed her pockets with them.  She greeted dogs out on walks with their owners.  She shrieked, "run, 'mon, 'mon" (her shortened version of 'come on') and ran gleefully as Richard chased her along.  She watched squirrels run up and down trees.  She wandered into patches of tall grass and bent down to touch it just to see what it felt like.  She counted things just because she can now.  When we got home she was exhausted and asked for an early nap, but she had loved every minute of the morning.  It was a reminder to me of the joy we can find in God's creation.  It was a reminder of how often I let the day get away from me without letting myself really experience the wonders that I'm surrounded by.  It was a challenge to me (and I hope it can be to you as well) to enjoy every day and all the tiny miracles scattered like acorns along the way.

This Weeek

Here is a summary (in chronological order) of the past week and a bit of what's to come the rest of this one.

Low Points:

• Baby & I have been sick
• Had to miss couples' group breakfast, church, Bible study, AND women's study
• Not enough down time to get better quickly (Mom's only get down time when children are sleeping)
  
• Missing going to SF with Kerr & Arndis today (P got called in & the rest of us are still recovering)

High Points:

• Curled up in my favorite sickie outfit (complete with comfy footwear) and read a good book
  
• Fall weather got here!
• Got to hang out with Kelly, Kerr, & Gina  (Amazing to have Kel & Kerr in town at the same time!)
• Sent Tula off to her new home with Kelly in AZ
  
• Found my baby girl sitting on the couch with her hands folded and head down saying, "Daddy, Daddy, Uncle..."  She was praying for Peter & Richard.  Cutest thing I've ever seen.  
• Being silly with my hubbie 
• Listening to long unheard songs on my iTunes and remembering the wonderful people God has placed in my life over the years
  
• Will get to go see Poppa Bill, Momma Lynne, Deb, Ted, & my precious nephews

I'm ready to be done feeling like someone is standing on my face, but beyond that it has been a pretty great week.  I'm continuing my work on T.J.'s birthday gift.  I'm excited about it!  Her birthday was last week, but I wasn't done yet.  I may post about it once she's received it, but can't before then (it'd ruin the surprise).  Today we're going to focus on resting, getting better, and trying to get things done around the house.

1 Portland Lesson

"...nostalgia is just memory without the pain."

---Leah Kaplan

True That!

"There's something weird about every family. That's what makes America great."

---Psych

Gloriously Thwarted

My ever so relaxing week before my birthday fell through. Life got in the way. That is O.K. though, because it is full of other ways I'm getting to celebrate. I'm getting to honor people I love and be part of life experiences. Monday my family was in town and we got to have dinner together, run errands, and enjoy each other! My dad bought Boo a little pink lei for 27 cents and she thought it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever worn. Tuesday I put in several hours preparing for Stacy's baby shower. I'm really excited about it. Stacy and her baby deserve to be celebrated and I'm gad I'm getting to be part of doing this for her. Yesterday we spent time with Cathie before her move. We also got to go for a walk with my Dad-in-Law (who recently moved, but was visiting). Before that we took our little one to be part of a study at Stanford. I'm getting to see her come into her own more and more each day. Sometimes that means learning new words or skills and other times it means screaming and rolling on the floor. In the moment the former pleases me much more than the latter, but both mean she is learning about life and that is exhilarating. This week may have been somewhat unexpected, but it was in the very best way.