Blurb

I want to post all about my amazing birthday and the incredible people who made it that way, but I can't! I have a baby with a small sleep window and LOTS to do for the divine Mrs. Lee, her tiny Lee, & the baby shower of love. For now, thanks so much to everyone who made me feel so loved on (and before) my big day! Also,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KERR!!!

Bad Habits, Brave Mean Reds, & Home

I have a lot of bad habits. Shocked? Probably not. As Stephanie's post touched on the other day I pick at & bite the skin around my nails (no, not my nails, just my cuticles & skin...ew). I'm working on quitting, but I still do it. I can be very selfish. I leave the TV on with a show paused for upwards of an hour on a regular basis. I'm usually late. I pile paper all over my house and rarely go through it. I check my voicemail on a bi weekly basis (or so). I throw pity parties. I interrupt people. None of that is what I'm going to write about. Tonight's bad habit in the spot light is (insert drum roll here) I hide. If I'm feeling down all I want to do is curl up in my house. Sometimes it is just that simple, sometimes it's deeper than that (due to a very bad past relationship I'd rather avoid people than chance that they might see me cry, another thing I'm working on...sort of). Tonight I have a semi hormone induced case of the brave mean reds. I'm not scared, I'm sad, down for no real reason. Where am I then? Home. Some wonderful friends are downstairs BarBQing. Peter & I were invited to join them. He headed down. I, on the other hand, used Lacie's heating pad on my unhappy back, watched an episode of "Mental," and moped a bit. I love my friends. I love spending time with them. I used to always want to be out. I used to be one of the most social people I knew (this can be confirmed by asking any of my college friends). Now, not so much. I still love being goofy and having a good time. I still have dreams and adventures. Yet, when the blues hit I'd rather be the only one home (Boo's here, but she's in bed). Home is my bubble in a lot of ways. I like it here. I like being out, but on a rough night this feels safer. Maybe it is good thing in some ways. I think the best thing would be to put myself out there and just be honest about how I'm feeling, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. I spent a lot of years (college included) being dishonest about how I was doing. In high school and early college if I was down I self medicated until I wasn't anymore. That went badly. In later college and the years after, I was doing much better and was genuinely happy for the most part, but when I wasn't I faked it. I had a few extremely close friends I was honest with, but for the most part that was only on a one on one basis. In groups I couldn't bring myself to do it. I think now I'm more honest with myself about how I'm doing and unwilling to fake being O.K. when I'm not. I know myself well enough to know if I walk out that door I'll revert. I'll fall right back into pretending I'm fine. Instead I don't walk out the door. Is that worse or better? I'm choosing to believe it is better because I'm not pretending. Even if I'm being authentic alone, I'm still being authentic. I guess that shows growth. I guess even posting this shows growth. My lessons learned should be tempered with things I'm still wrestling with. I'll keep wrestling. This wrestling was as much rambling and fluid thought as anything else. Thanks for bearing with me.

Medical Insurance...Do Share

Peter & I have a meeting tomorrow to get our medical insurance figured out. Peter's main job is a contractor so we have to get our own medical insurance. We currently have a Blue Shield P.P.O. that has been wonderful medically but more expensive than we can afford (read, premiums more than our rent and we still owe on our 18 month old daughter's birth - time in the N.I.C.U. is expensive, but priceless). Recently our monthly premiums were raised again and we decided it was time for a change. We have looked at H.S.A.s, high deductible P.P.O.s, Kaiser, and have thought about an H.M.O.

I've never had an H.M.O. so I know almost nothing about them. I know the main difference is that my General Practitioner would have to refer me to any other specialists, but not much else. What are the groups in this area? Do they include any of my current doctors? Would we still get to go to Good Sam?

I've never had Kaiser either, but at least 3/4 of what I've heard have been horror stories. After watching how they've handled Lenny's Grandpa after his stroke this past week I'm honestly somewhat frightened for their patients and have no desire to be one of them. Am I wrong? Are there others of you out there who have had wonderful experiences with them?

Please share. If you live in California (or used to) let me know what medical insurance you have or have had and what kind of reviews you'd give it. If you are involved with the medical community please share your thoughts. The more information we can get when making this decision the better. Thanks in advance for your help!!

Do Something, Anything

My husband and I watched "Slumdog Millionaire" last night. It was a good movie, but it was horrible to watch. I recommend it anyway, but be prepared to have your heart broken. After watching it I needed to process. My first reaction, in all my shallowness, was to want to never, ever go to India. In my humanness I wanted to get, and stay, as far from that human suffering as possible. Just typing that honesty of my own failings makes my eyes well up with tears and my heart with shame. Once I got past that innitial reaction I wanted to go there and do something, anything, to make a difference, to help. The problem there is that in this season of my life I can't. God has called me right now to make a difference in the lives of my husband, my child, and the people He has placed around me here. For a moment I felt powerless, but then I realized something wonderful. "The people He has placed around me here" includes my close friend Sarah who has been to India to help the children there and stays in touch with people who live there making a difference everyday. Even in staying here God has given me the means to make a difference on the other side of the world. Here is my challenge to you - join me. Let's reach into the "little" we have (which is callous and laughable when compared to the little they have) and give. I'm going to talk to Sarah to find out how best to do that and I'll post more information. If you are interested please get in touch with me by leaving a comment or, if you know me, by e-mailing or facebook messaging me. You can also go to WorldVision and do a search to sponsor a child in India. There are other organizations doing good work over there, but I don't know enough about them to know which are reputable and which aren't. Please, think it over, pray about it, research the conditions there, whatever you need to do, just do something.

The Rest of the List of Things I Want:

1. See previous entry for number one. (Note - accomplished on a walk with Kacey)
2. To love like God
3. More time with friends/deeper time with friends (especially Kacey, Lacie, Sarah, & Stacy)
4. To go see Janette at the hospital
5. A green dragon roll
6. A pedicure
   
7. Amaya to visit
8. All my laundry to be magically done
9. A massage
   
10. Talicia to live in San Jose
11. A pair of Red Engine jeans
12. Amaya's mom's chocolate mousse
    
13. To see my daughter's beautiful smile
14. To continue learning how to be a better friend
15. A vanity
    
16. My hubbie to be home from work
17. A bigger apartment (still on the wishlist, but no longer worrying about it)
18. "Eli Stone" to be un-canceled

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!

This morning we went to the Rose, White, & Blue Parade. It was wonderful! After we hit the street fair with Lenny & Sarah. My favorite float was:

It was actually pulled through the parade by the hose! I loved it! There were some very cool cars too. There were 3 classic Mustangs, but all 3 were red convertibles. I LOVE classic Mustangs, but I'm just not as big on red ones or convertibles. Because of that my favorite cars were probably the Woody and the Willy. The owner of the Willy even let my girl sit in it! Here are some pics:

Tonight we are going to do sparklers and watch the Boston Pops! I'm really excited!

Have a wonderful 4th of July and remember how much we have to be grateful for!

I want to send a special thank you to Kerr, Scott D., Adam C., and all the other military men and women for serving and for going through things we back at home can't fathom. Thank you for giving so much.