Whine, Wimper, Rejoice

My children randomly woke up last night...a lot.  I'm exhausted and cranky.
The laundry is staring at me.  My laundromat is being evicted.
For some unknown reason my children now will not nap.  One starts to, only to be woken up by the other.  Then they trade roles.

I want a nap or giant coffee or my parents to live closer and play with my children for several hours.  None of these things are happening right now.

In the silly little rough stuff of day to day motherhood - He is still risen.

Easter

It's been a busy few days.  The weekend was packed with wonderful birthday parties for precious little girls.  The week so far has been a beautiful blur of visits from my family.  It's quiet in my house now.  Things are slowing down a bit before the holiday weekend.  It's giving me time to think.  Easter is coming.  It's my favorite holiday.  Everything in my life hinges on this Sunday, on these words,

"He is not here; He has risen, just as He said..."

-Matt 28:6

That changes everything.  All of history, eternity, and I will never be the same.  Breathtaking!  I'm astounded by the miracle and the simplicity of God's unending grace.  I can't forget though that Good Friday is also coming.  I can't forget what had to come first.  The sacrifice that was required so that grace could be extended, so that I could be forgiven.  It's heartbreaking and humbling - the depth of His love for me...and for you.

Happy Easter!

He is Risen!

Dear Sleep, I miss you.

Last night's sleep schedule:

• 2AM - finally fell asleep
• 2:30 - woken up by Sweet Sickie Face who wanted to climb in my bed, told no, and sent back to bed, she accidentally woke up Beautiful Baby Eat Non-stop.
• 2:45 - falling back to sleep
• 3:10 - Beautiful Baby Eat Non-stop decided she should have been eating instead of sleeping
• 4:45 - I was finally able to get Beautiful Baby Eat Non-stop fed and to fall back to sleep
• 6AM? -  Beautiful Baby Eat Non-stop lost her paci and woke up crying  Wonderful Man I Married remedied the situation
• 7AM? (I'm not sure the time because the delirium had set in) - woken up by Sweet Sickie Face who again wanted to climb in my bed This time she was told yes (the family rule is she has to wait until the sun shines through the curtains) and she was sent over to Wonderful Man I Married 
• 7:05 - 8:00 faded in and out of sleep between questions, pokes, and demands from Sweet Sickie Face until Wonderful Man I Married got the two of them breakfast
• 8:35 Beautiful Baby Eat Non-stop woke up and was quite alarmed it had been so long since her last meal

~The End or, More Appropriately, The Beginning of the Day~

 

 

In a mostly unrelated matter, I was reading Cara-Deo today and was blessed by the quote, "It says desperation is better than despair. And where God's power begins."  I wanted to share it in case you might find it encouraging as well.

Now this sleepy and very silly mommy must go feed that beautiful baby again.

Sharing

Read this.  I love it.  That's all.

My Time of Year

Happy 2010!  The new year has begun and the Christmas decorations are coming down.  This marks the end of one of my favorite times of year.  I love Christmas, but no, that's not what I'm writing about.  I'm writing about the week after Christmas.  The time that begins late in the day on Christmas and lasts until the decorations are coming down all around town.  I love that window of time when the hustle and bustle of preparation is over.  When we can breathe easy, have little do do, and just enjoy the Christmas decorations as the old year comes to a close and a new one begins.  This little snippet of time each year (or years since it often bridges one to the next) is my favorite time to take my daughter out for a walk.  The streets are quiet and the few people we see seem at peace.  I think as a rule the decorations should stay up until January 7th.  That way the joy of Christmas is carried into the new year and we are able to begin the new with the reminder first of Christ and then of the beauty of just being.  Truthfully, I wish it could be this way as Christmas aproaches, but we seem too focused then on the doing & getting of things.  For now I'll sadly watch as the lights come down, stubbornly leaving mine up a few extra days, and I'll rejoin the business of life.  As I do, I will carry with me the joy of Christ, the wonder in my daughters eyes as she took in all the beautiful Christmas decorations, and the lessons I learned in 2009.

"Live From An Authentic Place"

I heard that tonight (spoken by Rick Allen of Def Leppard) and it struck me.  I've been working on it for a while now and I feel like I'm getting better at it.  I've said before that I spent too much time pretending all was well even when it wasn't, but part of what God has been teaching me as of late is that living authentically means sharing my joys as well.  It means connecting with people.  I don't think I have invested enough in people in the last few years.  My friendships are dear to me, but I don't make (or sometimes, unfortunately, have) time for them.  I think in some ways I've gotten lazy if I'm honest, but life has also changed.  I feel disjointed at times because there are so many amazing people around me that I love deeply.  I want to spend time with all of them, but, realistically, I can't.  I feel like because of that I have many shallow relationships instead of a few deep ones.  Thankfully, I've been blessed with some great friends that I can pick up with after a long time and feel like we saw each other yesterday.  Unfortunately, we don't get to live day to day life together.  All this to say that God has been teaching me that I need those connections.  He has also been reminding me that most of all I need Him.  He is the one who makes me feel whole.  He is the one who is all sufficient.  I haven't been making time for Him lately and I feel the drain of it.  I need more than quick prayers before meals, bed, and as I fly through my day.  I need to really connect with Him.  My marriage, my child, and my loved ones will receive the overflowing blessings if I do.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort" 

---2 Cor. 1:3

Note To Self II

Lessons In Contentment, Day 2

I had just finished getting everything prepared to take a much needed shower...

Let's take a moment right here. What does "everything prepared" mean? The moms out there know. It means your home, yourself, and your toddler. For the record, this is harder and more time consuming than it sounds.

...when I find out that the water has been turned off...again...with no notice. Arg. Where is that Note to Self I wrote? Where is that cheery attitude I had yesterday when this happened? I'm sure I'll find them, but for now I'm ticked. I don't want to take my daughter, my dirty hair, and I out to do errands sans shower.

Wait, here's my note. I found it while going to the kitchen where I also found my sense of humor and my daughter dipping a toy car in the cats' water bowl.

Do Something, Anything

My husband and I watched "Slumdog Millionaire" last night. It was a good movie, but it was horrible to watch. I recommend it anyway, but be prepared to have your heart broken. After watching it I needed to process. My first reaction, in all my shallowness, was to want to never, ever go to India. In my humanness I wanted to get, and stay, as far from that human suffering as possible. Just typing that honesty of my own failings makes my eyes well up with tears and my heart with shame. Once I got past that innitial reaction I wanted to go there and do something, anything, to make a difference, to help. The problem there is that in this season of my life I can't. God has called me right now to make a difference in the lives of my husband, my child, and the people He has placed around me here. For a moment I felt powerless, but then I realized something wonderful. "The people He has placed around me here" includes my close friend Sarah who has been to India to help the children there and stays in touch with people who live there making a difference everyday. Even in staying here God has given me the means to make a difference on the other side of the world. Here is my challenge to you - join me. Let's reach into the "little" we have (which is callous and laughable when compared to the little they have) and give. I'm going to talk to Sarah to find out how best to do that and I'll post more information. If you are interested please get in touch with me by leaving a comment or, if you know me, by e-mailing or facebook messaging me. You can also go to WorldVision and do a search to sponsor a child in India. There are other organizations doing good work over there, but I don't know enough about them to know which are reputable and which aren't. Please, think it over, pray about it, research the conditions there, whatever you need to do, just do something.

Home

A Few Things That Feel Like Home To Me:

1. Really good time in prayer
   
2. My husband's arms
3. My little girl's smile
4. The sounds of my family enjoying themselves when I visit my folks
5. My brother calling me, "Seester" or "The Joy of my Heart"
6. Hugs from old friends who truly know me with all my many quirks and imperfections, yet still love me
7. Chuck Taylors
8. My favorite jeans.
9. The perfect chai tea latte in the fall or caramel macchiato in winter or spring
10. Driving down Santa Teresa on a warm day with the windows down and a good song playing.
11. "America" by Simon & Garfunkel
    

What's With the Name?

Some of you may have guessed by now why I titled my blog as I did. It is a reference to the verse I posted on Thursday. There are a few places in the Bible that sparrows are mentioned. There is also an old hymn called, "His Eye Is On The Sparrow." The lyrics are:

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Over the last year God has used these to remind me that He is always with me. He knows about my every joy and struggle I face and is there with me. It reminds me that even the littlest sparrow has His attention and so do I. Now and then I feel like the sparrows - tiny and not worth much in may people's eyes. It's then that I remember that to God those sparrows are beautiful and valuable, and I am even more so.

Courtney

There is a lovely almost-silence in my house. Zuzu's bell rings as she jaunts from one place to the next checking things out. The white noise of the rain track we purchased on iTunes plays for my sleeping little girl loudly enough to be heard in the living room. I finish writing a letter and head for the kitchen. As I do I step on a forgotten Cheerio. It sticks to my bare foot for a few steps and then disintegrates to powder on my floor. A smile spreads slowly across my face as that tiny piece of trampled cereal reminds me that I am a mom.

Now and then I feel lost in this world. I think we all do. Yesterday was a struggle for me because of that. The world felt so immense and I so minuscule. Part way through the day I went outside and sat on the steps to my apartment. I prayed for a while, pouring my heart out to God. I was reminded that I am His child, His cherished child. The one He will never leave or forsake.

After I came inside Peter and I stood in the kitchen talking. We talked and talked until we started to understand even better the person each of us had married. I was reminded that I am a wife, a loved and very lucky wife.

My parents called last night to see how I was doing after my Dr.'s appointment. My dad reminded me how important I am to him with affirming words and grand compliments I don't deserve, my mom with fussing and advice. I was reminded that I am a daughter, a daughter held dear by two amazing people.

Last night as Peter and I snuck into our room where our 18 month old daughter lay already sleeping there was a little voice in the darkness, "Hi." When Peter asked if she wanted to come snuggle with us for a moment before going back to sleep she replied, "yeah, yeah, yeah." When he laid her down next to me she rolled towads me, help me tight, and kissed my cheek. I was reminded that I am a mom, the most important woman in her life.

All of these things make up vital parts of who I am. There are smaller parts like being someone who loves to drive on sunny days with the music turned up unreasonably loud, who somewhat secretly loves Styx, who would be crushed on a small scale if her DVR didn't record "So You Think You Can Dance." I am that person. I am also someone who declined to meet Chris Carrabba for fear I'd make an idiot of myself and who gets rediculous when I'm tired. I get cranky when I'm hungry and relate all too well to Sandi Thom's, "I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers In Hair)." None of those things are as important as the beautiful reminders I received yesterday. The greatest part of who I am is one who loves Christ, her husband, her daughter, her parents, her brother, and her friends. Yesterday I thanked God for prayer, long talks, phone calls, and hugs. Today I thank Him for little lost cheerios and before work kisses goodbye.

"The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!” Lam 3:22-24

Today

"For I cried out to Him for help, praising Him as I spoke."
Psalm 66:17

None Greater

Wake Up Call

I have been struggling the past few days. I've been feeling down and having a bit of a pity party. For the most part nothing big has been bothering me, nothing more than a mole hill of little things that add up. Just before writing this I received an e-mail from a friend who started chemo yesterday. It gave me the kick I needed. She is facing breast cancer with determination and a great attitude. She sent out these verses,

"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold..." 1 Peter 1:6-7 NLT

It reminded me of the main lesson God has been teaching me lately,

"But godliness with contentment is great gain." 1 Tim 6:6 NIV

God's timing is always perfect. I was just telling Sarah this morning that I needed to get back to spending more time with Him. I love how He gently pursues us. Thank you, Donna, for the reminder that with Him we can face ANYthing. I am facing so little that it became too easy to forget.

Lessons Learn-ing

God has used all kinds of things to teach me about Him, His love, myself, and life. Lately He has been using my daughter. This makes a lot of sense since most of my time is spent with her. I thought I'd share what I'm learning.

1. God really does delight in me and rejoice over me with singing (Zeph. 3:17). I do these things as a mom all the time without thinking anything of it, my Perfect and Loving Heavenly Father does the same. AMAZING!

2. Stop to smell the roses. Feel the sun on your face. Take time to enjoy the beauty of God's creation. Life will be better if you do. YOU will be better if you do.

3. "Tantrums don't get you what you want." I have said this to my daughter multiple times, and yet I'm only starting to learn it myself. I want to give Aubrie good things. God wants to give me good things. (Matt. 7:11) We just need to learn to ask instead of throwing a fit or trying so desperately hard to get it ourselves.

4. Express yourself. Show and tell people how you feel (Prov. 27:5). Whether it be on your face, in your words, or with what you are wearing show the world where you are inside and who you are. This is really a repeat of several of Aldeana's lessons.

It is worth repeating, because this lesson in particular is hard for me. For years I have been a "stuffer." I rarely deal with my emotions in what one might call a timely manner. When my Grandma died I feverishly wrote a paper for school that wasn't due for days. When my mom's dad died (closing the door on my ever getting to meet him) I ignored it until years later when I came across a bracelet he & his wife had gotten me and sobbed. When my Grandpa died I built a jumperoo. Anyone who knows me knows almost any given break-up I had was briefly cried over before I moved on too quicky, only to try to then try to heal from the last relationship in the midst of my new one (F.Y.I. horrible idea). Part of my difficulty is that I have also mastered the art of denial. Growing up, in any given family crisis I pretended that either everything was fine or that it would be. Recently I've remembered times when my parents were sick (even in the hospital) when I was young and only now am I being able to deal with the fact that only by God's grace are they still here. When Amaya moved I spent months ignoring it. Then, the week of, I switched over to "stuffing," knowing I'd probably have a break down when she showed up to say goodbye. I didn't. I couldn't. Only as she drove away did I lose it. Later that day I took stock. I realized I've been stuffing so long I can hard "unpack" the emotions. I prayed and God is helping me. I'm learning to be real, but it is unbelievably hard. He is helping me to express myself, but more often than not it takes a while. For those that love me, please have patience and call me on it if you catch me stifling.

All That Matters