A Year!

It's been a year!  I can't believe it.  Life has been going well, but has been busy.  My youngest is running, dancing, and talking up a storm.  My oldest is still my more quiet observer - sitting looking at books as I type.  Her sister is running around in a diaper & tutu lamenting, "my horsie gone!"  Lately I've been working on taking better care of myself.  I'm finally back to working out and reading more.  I'm getting to connect with friends more than I have in a long while, but I still find it much harder in this season of life.  Hubbie and I celebrated our seventh anniversary last month.  He still makes me laugh like no one else and amazes me with his heart.  I'm growing closer to God and so thankful for His grace.  I hadn't been spending much time with Him over the last year.  Not the way I used to.  I could feel it.  I'm not the person I desire to be when I'm not connecting with Him.  I'll update more later, but for now this is a start.

In Brief

Life is exhausting, but good. My girls are willful, but sweet and loving. My husband is busy, but helpful. Our anniversary was odd, but wonderful. I'm growing closer to some dear friends, and it is refreshing. I'm loving making and selling my jewelry.

Many Thanks

I just wanted to say thank you to all those who have out poured support, love, and prayers since my Trouble post.  I'm doing much better.  The mastitis seems to have passed and I'm only having twinges of pain here & there now.  We have been able to feed L without supplementing with formula for the last week thanks to Peter letting me nap & rest as I've needed to & using fenugreek.  Being rested & built up by God has made me feel more confident both in general & as a mom.  My girls have also helped.  My youngest gives me giant smiles every time she wakes up and sees me.  My oldest is growing in new ways all the time.  Last night she was trying on swim suits for her new lessons starting today and all of a sudden she went leaping through the air and yelled, "I'm a rock star!"  It was both a precious thing & a challenge for me.  It was precious to see her so carefree and confident.  It was a challenge because I feel nothing like a rock star when I put on a swim suit.  It made me wonder when we women lose that confidence and challenged me to reclaim it.  Being the mom of a three year old girl is amazing that way.  It is growing me as a woman as well as a mom.  We, of course, have battles of the wills, but part of that is her developing into her own person.  I remind myself regularly that her willfulness not only gives me opportunities to learn patience, but also is growing her into a more confident little girl.  I want her to be able to make up her own mind and not be a follower.  It's just very hard when I need her to obey as well.  Teaching her to respect us as her parents and do as she is told, but still have a mind of her own is not an easy task.  I'd totally welcome any advice on the balance others might have to offer.  Another thing I've found encouraging as of late has been the blogs of other believers and moms.  Here are a few I've been really enjoying:

• Sometimes Sweet (she is also a fashion inspiration to me as I'm working on the project of finding my style again)
• Steph in the Suburbs 
• Mommy Needs Coffee (me too)
• Gathered from Afar
• Cara - Deo
• Trouble Bound : A Better Life (an awesome blog & reminder of God's incredible faithfulness) 
• Storing Up Treasures
• The Leaky Boob

The music of Kendall Payne has been encouraging as well.

I must draw this to a close.  It's time for the "Rock Star" to go to her first swim lesson without mom or dad by her side in the pool!

Unexpected Truth

My daughter brought me to tears today.  We were sitting eating lunch and discussing going over to a friend's mom's house later in the day.  It was a normal conversation, but her simple and sweet statement left me needing to "get something from the kitchen" before she saw that I was about to lose it.

You see, the friend we were discussing lost her dad when she was sixteen.  A parent's death is always a horrible tragedy, but she lost him in one of the worst ways you can lose a loved one.  Knowing this and the pain it has brought my friend I was left scrambling when my two year old innocently asked, "Where her daddy?"  I recovered quickly and told her, "He's gone, Baby.  He went away."  She thought about this a moment before replying, "He's probably at work."  In her world anytime a daddy isn't around he is at work (now and then he is playing golf, but only rarely).  She then went on to say, "She misses him...sometimes she cries for him."  Knowing how true those words were broke my heart.  Knowing my little one hasn't had to begin to understand that sometimes daddies go away and don't come back is bittersweet.  I'm incredibly thankful she doesn't know it and yet I know the day will come when she has to learn that heart wrenching truth, even if it isn't first hand.  Her words crushed me anew for my friend's loss as well.  I know she has grieved and grown immeasurably from the girl who first lost the most important man in her life, but I don't think anyone finishes grieving a parent's death.  It is a continual loss.  I heard that in the little voice of my toddler today as she spoke those words, "She misses him...sometimes she cries for him."

Sharing

Read this.  I love it.  That's all.

Weird Fact (for Mousie)

• I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being the first person to dip into a newly opened jar of peanut butter!
  

Visits, Dream Shopping, and What Really Matters

I've had more of those wonderful reunions since I last wrote.  My family and I were able to celebrate Thanksgiving as well as Nana's 80th, Richard's 29th, & Lindsey's 27th birthdays in Portland with my mom's whole side of the fam.  It was wonderful!  I also got to spend the day today with Amaya who is home from NY.  It was so good just to be with loved ones.

Warning : This is going to be a fluff piece.  I'm feeling fluffy ;)

I'm still contemplating a tattoo.  I want the theme to be unconditional love.  If you can think of a line, phrase, pic that exemplifies me please post it so I can include it in the ideas I'm mulling over.

I love wishlists.  We've been over this.  My lists are full of things I don't need, but still love thinking about.  I think they are the most fun right before birthdays & Christmas because of all the possibility.  Currently there are a few things I've been drooling over.  One of them is in my "lately" list to the right.  I saw it at Nordstrom tonight and now I'm longing for it.  Gorgeous and fun while still pulling off sophistication.  I'm also loving Hobo's Lauren wallet in Mogano.   My Sephora wishlist is bursting.  Amaya got me one of the fragrances I'd been wanting - Saint by Kat Von D.  The other one I'm wanting is Unconditional Love.  Sorry, for all the silly gushing.  Amaya & I wandered the mall and I got all starry eyed.

Here comes the substance:

With Christmas coming I wanted to let folks know of some great places to donate to help those in need.  A number of my friends & family are donating instead of exchanging gifts.  I think it is awesome and wanted to encourage my readers to do the same.  These are only a few options.  There are so many other places to give.  Please consider giving gifts that will last and change lives this year. 

Heart to Heart International
Community Pregnancy Centers 
CityTeam Ministries
Living Water International
Covenant House 

This Weeek

Here is a summary (in chronological order) of the past week and a bit of what's to come the rest of this one.

Low Points:

• Baby & I have been sick
• Had to miss couples' group breakfast, church, Bible study, AND women's study
• Not enough down time to get better quickly (Mom's only get down time when children are sleeping)
  
• Missing going to SF with Kerr & Arndis today (P got called in & the rest of us are still recovering)

High Points:

• Curled up in my favorite sickie outfit (complete with comfy footwear) and read a good book
  
• Fall weather got here!
• Got to hang out with Kelly, Kerr, & Gina  (Amazing to have Kel & Kerr in town at the same time!)
• Sent Tula off to her new home with Kelly in AZ
  
• Found my baby girl sitting on the couch with her hands folded and head down saying, "Daddy, Daddy, Uncle..."  She was praying for Peter & Richard.  Cutest thing I've ever seen.  
• Being silly with my hubbie 
• Listening to long unheard songs on my iTunes and remembering the wonderful people God has placed in my life over the years
  
• Will get to go see Poppa Bill, Momma Lynne, Deb, Ted, & my precious nephews

I'm ready to be done feeling like someone is standing on my face, but beyond that it has been a pretty great week.  I'm continuing my work on T.J.'s birthday gift.  I'm excited about it!  Her birthday was last week, but I wasn't done yet.  I may post about it once she's received it, but can't before then (it'd ruin the surprise).  Today we're going to focus on resting, getting better, and trying to get things done around the house.

Listening To "Brilliant Dance" On My Old "Streetlight Romance" CD

"Live From An Authentic Place"

I heard that tonight (spoken by Rick Allen of Def Leppard) and it struck me.  I've been working on it for a while now and I feel like I'm getting better at it.  I've said before that I spent too much time pretending all was well even when it wasn't, but part of what God has been teaching me as of late is that living authentically means sharing my joys as well.  It means connecting with people.  I don't think I have invested enough in people in the last few years.  My friendships are dear to me, but I don't make (or sometimes, unfortunately, have) time for them.  I think in some ways I've gotten lazy if I'm honest, but life has also changed.  I feel disjointed at times because there are so many amazing people around me that I love deeply.  I want to spend time with all of them, but, realistically, I can't.  I feel like because of that I have many shallow relationships instead of a few deep ones.  Thankfully, I've been blessed with some great friends that I can pick up with after a long time and feel like we saw each other yesterday.  Unfortunately, we don't get to live day to day life together.  All this to say that God has been teaching me that I need those connections.  He has also been reminding me that most of all I need Him.  He is the one who makes me feel whole.  He is the one who is all sufficient.  I haven't been making time for Him lately and I feel the drain of it.  I need more than quick prayers before meals, bed, and as I fly through my day.  I need to really connect with Him.  My marriage, my child, and my loved ones will receive the overflowing blessings if I do.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort" 

---2 Cor. 1:3

I Might Be That Fairy

I'm home from Portland ow.  I'll do an update soon about my great trip and the comedy of errors that was coming home.  For now, enjoy the amazing card my wonderful Theresa sent me:

Thank You, Amy

A dear friend just sent me this as an encouragement. It was exactly what I needed so I thought I'd share...

Gloriously Thwarted

My ever so relaxing week before my birthday fell through. Life got in the way. That is O.K. though, because it is full of other ways I'm getting to celebrate. I'm getting to honor people I love and be part of life experiences. Monday my family was in town and we got to have dinner together, run errands, and enjoy each other! My dad bought Boo a little pink lei for 27 cents and she thought it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever worn. Tuesday I put in several hours preparing for Stacy's baby shower. I'm really excited about it. Stacy and her baby deserve to be celebrated and I'm gad I'm getting to be part of doing this for her. Yesterday we spent time with Cathie before her move. We also got to go for a walk with my Dad-in-Law (who recently moved, but was visiting). Before that we took our little one to be part of a study at Stanford. I'm getting to see her come into her own more and more each day. Sometimes that means learning new words or skills and other times it means screaming and rolling on the floor. In the moment the former pleases me much more than the latter, but both mean she is learning about life and that is exhilarating. This week may have been somewhat unexpected, but it was in the very best way.

Already There

"It is the fool who fails to return to the place of his last happiness."

--October Road

Bad Habits, Brave Mean Reds, & Home

I have a lot of bad habits. Shocked? Probably not. As Stephanie's post touched on the other day I pick at & bite the skin around my nails (no, not my nails, just my cuticles & skin...ew). I'm working on quitting, but I still do it. I can be very selfish. I leave the TV on with a show paused for upwards of an hour on a regular basis. I'm usually late. I pile paper all over my house and rarely go through it. I check my voicemail on a bi weekly basis (or so). I throw pity parties. I interrupt people. None of that is what I'm going to write about. Tonight's bad habit in the spot light is (insert drum roll here) I hide. If I'm feeling down all I want to do is curl up in my house. Sometimes it is just that simple, sometimes it's deeper than that (due to a very bad past relationship I'd rather avoid people than chance that they might see me cry, another thing I'm working on...sort of). Tonight I have a semi hormone induced case of the brave mean reds. I'm not scared, I'm sad, down for no real reason. Where am I then? Home. Some wonderful friends are downstairs BarBQing. Peter & I were invited to join them. He headed down. I, on the other hand, used Lacie's heating pad on my unhappy back, watched an episode of "Mental," and moped a bit. I love my friends. I love spending time with them. I used to always want to be out. I used to be one of the most social people I knew (this can be confirmed by asking any of my college friends). Now, not so much. I still love being goofy and having a good time. I still have dreams and adventures. Yet, when the blues hit I'd rather be the only one home (Boo's here, but she's in bed). Home is my bubble in a lot of ways. I like it here. I like being out, but on a rough night this feels safer. Maybe it is good thing in some ways. I think the best thing would be to put myself out there and just be honest about how I'm feeling, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. I spent a lot of years (college included) being dishonest about how I was doing. In high school and early college if I was down I self medicated until I wasn't anymore. That went badly. In later college and the years after, I was doing much better and was genuinely happy for the most part, but when I wasn't I faked it. I had a few extremely close friends I was honest with, but for the most part that was only on a one on one basis. In groups I couldn't bring myself to do it. I think now I'm more honest with myself about how I'm doing and unwilling to fake being O.K. when I'm not. I know myself well enough to know if I walk out that door I'll revert. I'll fall right back into pretending I'm fine. Instead I don't walk out the door. Is that worse or better? I'm choosing to believe it is better because I'm not pretending. Even if I'm being authentic alone, I'm still being authentic. I guess that shows growth. I guess even posting this shows growth. My lessons learned should be tempered with things I'm still wrestling with. I'll keep wrestling. This wrestling was as much rambling and fluid thought as anything else. Thanks for bearing with me.

Almost Here

My birthday is coming in just two weeks. I LOVE birthdays! I think it is all the possibilities of a new year, the celebrating with people I love, and how life affirming they are. I'll be 32 this year. I'm incredibly excited. I've always thought that 32 sounded like an exciting age. I'm not sure why. I hope it will be. I've decided to do some things to feel just a little more fabulous as year 32 begins.

1. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow (YAY for Jac being all better!). I'll post pictures.
   
2. I'm one step closer to beginning my "tattoo process." I've decided on "She will always love." in a cursive or scroll font. It will be a wandering swirl on the back of my neck. Now I just need a mock up to hang somewhere. Do any of you graphic designer font ninjas have suggestions for fonts I should look at?
   
3. I have a gift card for a facial & massage that Peter gave me for our anniversary that I think I'll schedule for next week.
4. I have a gift certificate for a mani & pedi (thanks Lacie, Kacey, Andrew, & R.J.) from my birthday last year that I'm going to use.

Peter has asked me to start brainstorming how I want to celebrate. I'm really not sure. I just know I want to be with my loved ones. Any ideas out there? I want to do sushi with Talicia while she's here as one part. Just her being here is a gift! YAY for birthdays!

Lessons in Contentment, Day 3

Lesson One (A.K.A. Today's Funny Story):
This morning Peter's car randomly rolled and was blocking a nearby apartment building's driveway. The cops were called. We got a $50 ticket. The car would have been towed, costing us $1,500, if Peter hadn't randomly decided to go running just as the cop showed up. Praise God for the tiny prompts He gives us! My lesson in this was how crazy it was that I focused first on the $50 we now owe instead of the $1,450 we don't.

Lesson Two (A.K.A. Today's Update):
I'm filling in at my old job today. It is a wonderful place. I'm getting the chance to spend time with women who are "soul refreshing" friends. The people who just seeing their smile makes your burdens feel lighter and life feel easier. It is such a blessing. It reminds me of all my other friends who do this for me and how I need to make more time for them. It reminds me that I'm blessed to have them. I miss my little girl, but I know she & her daddy are having a blast and being here today will help me be a better mommy.

Lesson Three (A.K.A. The Really Important One):
Some of you may remember my friend Donna. We used to work together here until I had my daughter. Wednesdays were the day we worked together. She's not here today because she is at chemo. Instead of getting to hear how things are from her I'm reading an e-mail. Her joy and upbeat personality still come through. I don't think she would mind if I share some of her wise words:

"Every day has a fork in the road. We can choose to travel down the road of self-piy, self-introspection, or self-absorption. The problem is that fork always leads to a dead end. It leaves us weary, discouraged and out of options because we were never meant to live life on our own. And we certainly don't have all the answers.

On the other hand, we can choose gratitude. Admittedly, this is the road less traveled. But then, that means a smoother ride - less bumps, potholes, and loose debris. This road always leads to somewhere better than where we are. It lifts us out of the mundane and invites us into the Divine.

Strangely, if we don't make the choice, it will be made for us by circumstances. Most of us are like cars with our wheels out of alignment. We automatically drift towards bitterness. Gratitude realigns our souls and keeps us on the right road."

I'll end with the same verse she ended her e-mail with:

"Be joyful always...give thanks in all circumstances"
1 Thes. 5:16-18

Home

A Few Things That Feel Like Home To Me:

1. Really good time in prayer
   
2. My husband's arms
3. My little girl's smile
4. The sounds of my family enjoying themselves when I visit my folks
5. My brother calling me, "Seester" or "The Joy of my Heart"
6. Hugs from old friends who truly know me with all my many quirks and imperfections, yet still love me
7. Chuck Taylors
8. My favorite jeans.
9. The perfect chai tea latte in the fall or caramel macchiato in winter or spring
10. Driving down Santa Teresa on a warm day with the windows down and a good song playing.
11. "America" by Simon & Garfunkel
    

Calling All Creative and/or Tattooed People

I have been mulling over another tattoo for about two years now and I'm beginning to close in on it. I'm excited, but I'm in need of some assistance. I'm looking for help from my creative artsy friends to help me design it (especially those of you who are good with fonts). As for my tattooed friends, I'm looking for recommendations of artists and shops. This is all to start getting things figured out so that I can begin my "tattoo process." I'll post the finalized idea somewhere where I see it everyday for 6 months. If I do that without changing my mind I'll get it. If it needs to be tweaked then I'll make the changes and restart the clock. This way I can be sure to get something I'm passionate about. I'll post pics throughout the process.

The Rest of the List of Things I Want:

1. See previous entry for number one. (Note - accomplished on a walk with Kacey)
2. To love like God
3. More time with friends/deeper time with friends (especially Kacey, Lacie, Sarah, & Stacy)
4. To go see Janette at the hospital
5. A green dragon roll
6. A pedicure
   
7. Amaya to visit
8. All my laundry to be magically done
9. A massage
   
10. Talicia to live in San Jose
11. A pair of Red Engine jeans
12. Amaya's mom's chocolate mousse
    
13. To see my daughter's beautiful smile
14. To continue learning how to be a better friend
15. A vanity
    
16. My hubbie to be home from work
17. A bigger apartment (still on the wishlist, but no longer worrying about it)
18. "Eli Stone" to be un-canceled