Saturday, August 1, 2009

Bad Habits, Brave Mean Reds, & Home

I have a lot of bad habits. Shocked? Probably not. As Stephanie's post touched on the other day I pick at & bite the skin around my nails (no, not my nails, just my cuticles & skin...ew). I'm working on quitting, but I still do it. I can be very selfish. I leave the TV on with a show paused for upwards of an hour on a regular basis. I'm usually late. I pile paper all over my house and rarely go through it. I check my voicemail on a bi weekly basis (or so). I throw pity parties. I interrupt people. None of that is what I'm going to write about. Tonight's bad habit in the spot light is (insert drum roll here) I hide. If I'm feeling down all I want to do is curl up in my house. Sometimes it is just that simple, sometimes it's deeper than that (due to a very bad past relationship I'd rather avoid people than chance that they might see me cry, another thing I'm working on...sort of). Tonight I have a semi hormone induced case of the brave mean reds. I'm not scared, I'm sad, down for no real reason. Where am I then? Home. Some wonderful friends are downstairs BarBQing. Peter & I were invited to join them. He headed down. I, on the other hand, used Lacie's heating pad on my unhappy back, watched an episode of "Mental," and moped a bit. I love my friends. I love spending time with them. I used to always want to be out. I used to be one of the most social people I knew (this can be confirmed by asking any of my college friends). Now, not so much. I still love being goofy and having a good time. I still have dreams and adventures. Yet, when the blues hit I'd rather be the only one home (Boo's here, but she's in bed). Home is my bubble in a lot of ways. I like it here. I like being out, but on a rough night this feels safer. Maybe it is good thing in some ways. I think the best thing would be to put myself out there and just be honest about how I'm feeling, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. I spent a lot of years (college included) being dishonest about how I was doing. In high school and early college if I was down I self medicated until I wasn't anymore. That went badly. In later college and the years after, I was doing much better and was genuinely happy for the most part, but when I wasn't I faked it. I had a few extremely close friends I was honest with, but for the most part that was only on a one on one basis. In groups I couldn't bring myself to do it. I think now I'm more honest with myself about how I'm doing and unwilling to fake being O.K. when I'm not. I know myself well enough to know if I walk out that door I'll revert. I'll fall right back into pretending I'm fine. Instead I don't walk out the door. Is that worse or better? I'm choosing to believe it is better because I'm not pretending. Even if I'm being authentic alone, I'm still being authentic. I guess that shows growth. I guess even posting this shows growth. My lessons learned should be tempered with things I'm still wrestling with. I'll keep wrestling. This wrestling was as much rambling and fluid thought as anything else. Thanks for bearing with me.


  1. The mean reds huh? I know someone who is your friend who could gently push you in these times of redness...her name is Kacey. She loves you, and sometimes, a little push from a friend is all you need to get those mean reds away.

  2. I hide when I'm depressed which creates a vicious circle because I'm an extrovert and need my friends to get out of it. I get worse...I hide more...I get worse...

  3. First and most importantly, I love you. Secondly, for your amusement, I had to wiki "mean reds" cause I had no idea what it was. Thirdly, you are not alone. Physically you have Peter, Boo and are surrounded by folks that would come at a moment's notice if you so much as said "Um..." But in your struggling and wrestling and honesty and hiding, you are not alone. I don't know if that brings you comfort or maybe depresses you more but when I learned that I was wired differently and was experiencing difficult things, it helped to know that I wasn't the only one. Anyway I'm doing my own rambling now. We should talk. Soon. I don't care if it's gmail chat, facebook chat, email back and forth or the much preferred phone call but soon. I just love you so much. Oh and FYI, if you wanted to say "Um...." to God, I'm willing to bet He'd come running too.