A Year!

It's been a year!  I can't believe it.  Life has been going well, but has been busy.  My youngest is running, dancing, and talking up a storm.  My oldest is still my more quiet observer - sitting looking at books as I type.  Her sister is running around in a diaper & tutu lamenting, "my horsie gone!"  Lately I've been working on taking better care of myself.  I'm finally back to working out and reading more.  I'm getting to connect with friends more than I have in a long while, but I still find it much harder in this season of life.  Hubbie and I celebrated our seventh anniversary last month.  He still makes me laugh like no one else and amazes me with his heart.  I'm growing closer to God and so thankful for His grace.  I hadn't been spending much time with Him over the last year.  Not the way I used to.  I could feel it.  I'm not the person I desire to be when I'm not connecting with Him.  I'll update more later, but for now this is a start.

In Brief

Life is exhausting, but good. My girls are willful, but sweet and loving. My husband is busy, but helpful. Our anniversary was odd, but wonderful. I'm growing closer to some dear friends, and it is refreshing. I'm loving making and selling my jewelry.

Night Night

I'm off to bed, but just wanted to say how excited I am about the support I've gotten on my jewelry adventure!  It's been so wonderful to see others enjoying what I've put together!  I'm trying some new things and loving it.  Other than that I'm busy with my little ones.  Keeping them amused on these rainy days is getting difficult.  All the more reason I need my energy!  To bed!  I'm working on trying to get to bed earlier.  I guess it didn't go too well tonight.  Thankfully, there's always tomorrow!

Fun From FB

My Life According to Otis Redding

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Pass it on to 15 people you like and include me. You can't use the band I used. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Re-post as "my life according to (band name)"

Pick Your Artist:
Otis Redding

Are you male or female:
Look At That Girl

Describe yourself:
A Woman, A Lover, A Friend

How do you feel about yourself:
Little Ol' Me, Got To Get Myself Together

Describe where you currently live:
Good To Me

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
(Sittin' On) the Dock of the Bay

Your best friend is:
My Girl

You and your friends are:
Ton Of Joy

What's the weather like:
Wonderful World

Favorite time of day:
A Hard Day's Night

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
That's How Strong My Love Is

What is beauty to you:
Lord Have Mercy

Your last relationship:
I've Been Loving You Too Long

Your fear:
Give Away None Of My Love

What is the best advice you have to give:
Tell The Truth, Try A Little Tenderness, Respect

Thought for the Day:
Change Is Gonna Come

How you would like to die:
Let Me Come On Home

Today

Happy Mother's Day!
That is to all of you who are mothers and all of you who long to be.  Today can be a wonderful day or a very hard one (for many reasons - hopes unrealized, miscarriages, abortions, rough relationships with your own mom or having lost her).  I wanted to recognize that today is not like any other day.  May it be a wonderful and healing day for YOU.

Whine, Wimper, Rejoice

My children randomly woke up last night...a lot.  I'm exhausted and cranky.
The laundry is staring at me.  My laundromat is being evicted.
For some unknown reason my children now will not nap.  One starts to, only to be woken up by the other.  Then they trade roles.

I want a nap or giant coffee or my parents to live closer and play with my children for several hours.  None of these things are happening right now.

In the silly little rough stuff of day to day motherhood - He is still risen.

For Today

I read this this morning and it spoke to me, because it is so very true.

"It's a good life, Honey, if you don't grow weary."  

-Alexa Woodward

It reminded me of this:

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  

- Gal. 6:9

Updates, Creations, & Searches

What am I up to these days?  Lots!  Here's a quick run down.

• I'm nurturing my 6 month & 3 year old daughters, working on being a more loving wife, and seeking God.  I feel like I'm doing better in these areas than I have been in a long time.
• I'm considering working out.  For some of you this may be a no brainer, but for me it's not.  I hate working out.  I've never been a sporty girl.  When I was younger I loved no work out exercise like walking places, skateboarding, etc.  Lately I've been much too inactive and I don't like it.  I don't like the way I feel or the way it looks on me.  I know myself well enough to know I need to find something I'll enjoy or I'll never stick with it.  I enjoy out Wii Fit+, but it's broken right now.  Any suggestions?
  
• I'm crafting for the first time in a while.  I had been knitting a lot, but have put that on hold for now.  I recently began creating jewelry.  I'm loving it!  It's fun, easy, and the pieces make fantastic accessories.  Here's a pic:

• I'm researching tattoo artists in the bay area and planning to get my tattoo for my birthday in August.  If you have a suggestion let me know.  I need someone who is good with lettering and, of course, works in a clean, safe shop. 
• I've been feeling inspired to start sewing again.  I'd like to start making things for my girls.  I'm basically a beginning sewer.  I took sewing in jr. high and made several things.  In high school I made one of my halloween costumes by following a pattern.  I hadn't used a machine in ages until two years ago when Kacey helped me make a quilt for my mom.  Now I want to get a sewing machine.  Anyone have suggestions for a good machine for beginners?  I'm not even sure how to start comparing them or what to look for.  Here's a pic of me holding up the quilt I mentioned:

• I've fallen into the busy day to day and haven't been spending time on myself.  I want to remedy this for myself, but also for my family.  I want to look nice for my husband.  I want to set an example for my girls.  I'm teaching them that inner beauty comes from loving the Lord.  It shines through love and kindness that glorifies God.  It comes from your character and it is the most important kind of beauty.  I'm also teaching them that caring for yourself and your appearance is important too.  The fact that it is less important doesn't mean it is unimportant.  The best way I can teach them these things is by my example.  To do that I need something easy so I'm working on a "five minute face" by trying new make-up tips and products.  I'll let you know what I find.  Please share if you have favorites I should check out.  

Many Thanks

I just wanted to say thank you to all those who have out poured support, love, and prayers since my Trouble post.  I'm doing much better.  The mastitis seems to have passed and I'm only having twinges of pain here & there now.  We have been able to feed L without supplementing with formula for the last week thanks to Peter letting me nap & rest as I've needed to & using fenugreek.  Being rested & built up by God has made me feel more confident both in general & as a mom.  My girls have also helped.  My youngest gives me giant smiles every time she wakes up and sees me.  My oldest is growing in new ways all the time.  Last night she was trying on swim suits for her new lessons starting today and all of a sudden she went leaping through the air and yelled, "I'm a rock star!"  It was both a precious thing & a challenge for me.  It was precious to see her so carefree and confident.  It was a challenge because I feel nothing like a rock star when I put on a swim suit.  It made me wonder when we women lose that confidence and challenged me to reclaim it.  Being the mom of a three year old girl is amazing that way.  It is growing me as a woman as well as a mom.  We, of course, have battles of the wills, but part of that is her developing into her own person.  I remind myself regularly that her willfulness not only gives me opportunities to learn patience, but also is growing her into a more confident little girl.  I want her to be able to make up her own mind and not be a follower.  It's just very hard when I need her to obey as well.  Teaching her to respect us as her parents and do as she is told, but still have a mind of her own is not an easy task.  I'd totally welcome any advice on the balance others might have to offer.  Another thing I've found encouraging as of late has been the blogs of other believers and moms.  Here are a few I've been really enjoying:

• Sometimes Sweet (she is also a fashion inspiration to me as I'm working on the project of finding my style again)
• Steph in the Suburbs 
• Mommy Needs Coffee (me too)
• Gathered from Afar
• Cara - Deo
• Trouble Bound : A Better Life (an awesome blog & reminder of God's incredible faithfulness) 
• Storing Up Treasures
• The Leaky Boob

The music of Kendall Payne has been encouraging as well.

I must draw this to a close.  It's time for the "Rock Star" to go to her first swim lesson without mom or dad by her side in the pool!

Beautiful Reminders

By The Dreamy Giraffe

By Jodi

Trouble

I'm going through a hard season.  In it I've found I'm not as open as I used to be.  I've fallen into exactly what I've always hated...pretending everything is fine.  I'm fighting that and opening up to friends and family.  I decided the next step was to open up here.  This is, in part, a blog about motherhood because, in part, I am a mother.  I love being a mother of two.  There are, of course, moments I'm not so sure I'm qualified for this "hardest job you'll ever love," but I find that loving them so much makes me qualified.  Beyond that love I fumble through with plenty of prayer and my best.  My biggest struggle this time around has been with nursing.  With my first there were some general struggles, but all in all it was wonderful.  I even ended up nursing her a few months longer than the year I had originally intended.  With my new little it has been something entirely different.  It started out well, but then in the last two months or so we've been facing some serious challenges.  I'm very committed to nursing.  I want to continue until she is a year old not only because of the amazing bonding experience it can be, but because it makes such a difference for her health and future.  I know many people don't have the option to nurse and would never judge, but for me it has been a non-negotiable.  If you don't want to know too much (or know I'd be embarrassed by your knowing) this is the time to wave off (I'll bold later if you want to just skip ahead).  Enter what the doctor calls "suction and latch issues" (she's latching, but not properly and is a bit too strong).  That led to bleeding, horrible pain, and then to the dreaded mastitis.  I've been very tempted to give up, but I'm not going to.  If I was strong enough to unintentionally birth her without medication I can get through this for her.  (Skip to here) I just want to be able to be a good mom and wife at the same time.  I feel like that is there area where I'm achieving an epic fail at times.  I'm less patient when in pain.  Couple this with my toddler who skipped the terrible twos almost entirely, only to invent the Amazing but Willful Threes and you get a very cranky mommy.  I praise God for providing me the fruit of the Spirit (chiefly patience and self control) in moments when I don't have them (or anything else) left in me.  Thankfully my family is patient with me.  I finally decided to mention what I've been going through here because I found so much comfort in the blogs I found online where moms shared their own struggles.  So to Sarah (from Becoming Sarah) & Jessica (from The Leaky B@@b, link below), thank you so much for your authenticity and transparency.  I'm not going into much detail here, but if there are others facing these things please feel free to contact me and I will share my experiences or just offer support.  For now here are some things that are helping me out today:

My beauties

This blog entry (there are nursing photos & I know some people don't like that so be warned)

My hubbie

by PaperArtOriginals

but most of all,

 

"I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." 

Philippians 4:13

True

Best Thing I've Done All Day

My daughter ran into the living room yelling, "Mommy, Mommy, I can't find the baby!  They can't fly away from the big bad wolf without the baby!"  The crisis has been averted.  I found  the baby!  Now Sharkie, the baby, and a pink monkey have flown away in various shoes to "America" and escaped the big, bad wolf.  I am amazing!

Comfort

What brings you comfort?  Not on a grand scale like the beautiful, all encompassing comfort we find in the reassurance God is there and cares deeply about all you are facing, but on a small scale.  I mean the little comforts that make such a difference.  For me it's watching my 3 month old blow bubbles or hearing my three year old tell me she loves me.  It's hearing, "Touch of Grey" by The Grateful Dead or the way my ancient Dr. Marten's cradle my feet (Peter is convinced they are beat up beyond wearing in public, but I'm not so sure).  It's laughing with friends who have known me long enough to have seen me at my worst and knowing they still love me.  It's remembering I'm a mom, but knowing that part of me is merging with all the other dynamics of who I am, not becoming my single defining role.  It's walking in the rain.  All of these things are filled with the beautiful promise of God's grace and a new day.  They are reminders of the joy we can find in such a broken place.

Hard Week

Little Known Fact:

I listen to Matchbox 20 when I'm having a hard time.  Mostly "Unwell" and "Push," but the rest of Yourself or Someone Like You often comes into play as well.

Unexpected Truth

My daughter brought me to tears today.  We were sitting eating lunch and discussing going over to a friend's mom's house later in the day.  It was a normal conversation, but her simple and sweet statement left me needing to "get something from the kitchen" before she saw that I was about to lose it.

You see, the friend we were discussing lost her dad when she was sixteen.  A parent's death is always a horrible tragedy, but she lost him in one of the worst ways you can lose a loved one.  Knowing this and the pain it has brought my friend I was left scrambling when my two year old innocently asked, "Where her daddy?"  I recovered quickly and told her, "He's gone, Baby.  He went away."  She thought about this a moment before replying, "He's probably at work."  In her world anytime a daddy isn't around he is at work (now and then he is playing golf, but only rarely).  She then went on to say, "She misses him...sometimes she cries for him."  Knowing how true those words were broke my heart.  Knowing my little one hasn't had to begin to understand that sometimes daddies go away and don't come back is bittersweet.  I'm incredibly thankful she doesn't know it and yet I know the day will come when she has to learn that heart wrenching truth, even if it isn't first hand.  Her words crushed me anew for my friend's loss as well.  I know she has grieved and grown immeasurably from the girl who first lost the most important man in her life, but I don't think anyone finishes grieving a parent's death.  It is a continual loss.  I heard that in the little voice of my toddler today as she spoke those words, "She misses him...sometimes she cries for him."

It's Been A Long Time Coming

I've been remiss.  I'm sorry to those of you who follow this blog.  Most of you already know why.  I've been incredibly busy chasing my precious toddler, going back to work one day a week to help out (the center was having to close that day for lack of a counselor supervisor), and enjoying (for the most part) my pregnancy with our second child.  It has been a very exciting time!  I am 16 weeks along right now.  This pregnancy has been a wonderful, but very different experience than my pregnancy with our first.  I can laugh about it more now that I'm in my second trimester, the "sweet spot" of pregnancy.  What I've learned so far is:

1. Being pregnant and the stay-at-home mom of a toddler is exponentially harder than being pregnant with your first while working.  I told Peter that being first trimester exhausted while mothering a toddler was the hardest job I've ever had.
2. Lesson one was very concerning to me considering I want more children so I asked a mom of four how she did it.  What I learned was very valuable.  She said, "Some days my husband would come home from work and I would tell him, 'Everyone is alive.  That's all you can ask of me today."  The lesson?  You do the best you can and you honor God.
3. Each pregnancy is different.  This can be scary, but it can also be wonderful.  It means just because I had some complications last time doesn't mean I'll have them this time.  Each pregnancy is similar in other ways.  Knowing what to expect this time meant I got to start feeling my little one move weeks and weeks earlier this time.  That is one of my favorite parts!
4. As with all of life, you don't know what you don't know.  Be open to learning.

I'm enjoying this pregnancy and trying to take in little moments here and there to enjoy it.  This time around I know how quickly it flies by.

Sharing

Read this.  I love it.  That's all.

My Time of Year

Happy 2010!  The new year has begun and the Christmas decorations are coming down.  This marks the end of one of my favorite times of year.  I love Christmas, but no, that's not what I'm writing about.  I'm writing about the week after Christmas.  The time that begins late in the day on Christmas and lasts until the decorations are coming down all around town.  I love that window of time when the hustle and bustle of preparation is over.  When we can breathe easy, have little do do, and just enjoy the Christmas decorations as the old year comes to a close and a new one begins.  This little snippet of time each year (or years since it often bridges one to the next) is my favorite time to take my daughter out for a walk.  The streets are quiet and the few people we see seem at peace.  I think as a rule the decorations should stay up until January 7th.  That way the joy of Christmas is carried into the new year and we are able to begin the new with the reminder first of Christ and then of the beauty of just being.  Truthfully, I wish it could be this way as Christmas aproaches, but we seem too focused then on the doing & getting of things.  For now I'll sadly watch as the lights come down, stubbornly leaving mine up a few extra days, and I'll rejoin the business of life.  As I do, I will carry with me the joy of Christ, the wonder in my daughters eyes as she took in all the beautiful Christmas decorations, and the lessons I learned in 2009.

"Every breath is a second chance"

That is a line from Switchfoot's new song "Your Love Is A Song."  I love it.  It is such a perfect reminder as a new year begins.  I usually don't do resolutions.  This year I've decided I'm going to.  Here are a few of them:

• Be more patient.  I guess really my resolution is to get more time with God so that more of the fruit of the Spirit grows in my life.
  
• Reconcile with my Wii Fit.  We had an argument a few months ago when it told me I'd gained 4 pounds since I'd started using it.  We haven't been on speaking terms since.
• Be the best wife & mom I can be (with God's help).
• Do more silly things just because.
• Show those around me just how much I love them and not be afraid to be vulnerable.
  

Good-bye 2009.  You were a good year all in all, but with some horribly difficult times.  Thank you, Lord, for being faithful to see us through another year!  Thank you for every new day and every "second chance."