In Brief

Life is exhausting, but good. My girls are willful, but sweet and loving. My husband is busy, but helpful. Our anniversary was odd, but wonderful. I'm growing closer to some dear friends, and it is refreshing. I'm loving making and selling my jewelry.

Easter

It's been a busy few days.  The weekend was packed with wonderful birthday parties for precious little girls.  The week so far has been a beautiful blur of visits from my family.  It's quiet in my house now.  Things are slowing down a bit before the holiday weekend.  It's giving me time to think.  Easter is coming.  It's my favorite holiday.  Everything in my life hinges on this Sunday, on these words,

"He is not here; He has risen, just as He said..."

-Matt 28:6

That changes everything.  All of history, eternity, and I will never be the same.  Breathtaking!  I'm astounded by the miracle and the simplicity of God's unending grace.  I can't forget though that Good Friday is also coming.  I can't forget what had to come first.  The sacrifice that was required so that grace could be extended, so that I could be forgiven.  It's heartbreaking and humbling - the depth of His love for me...and for you.

Happy Easter!

He is Risen!

"Live From An Authentic Place"

I heard that tonight (spoken by Rick Allen of Def Leppard) and it struck me.  I've been working on it for a while now and I feel like I'm getting better at it.  I've said before that I spent too much time pretending all was well even when it wasn't, but part of what God has been teaching me as of late is that living authentically means sharing my joys as well.  It means connecting with people.  I don't think I have invested enough in people in the last few years.  My friendships are dear to me, but I don't make (or sometimes, unfortunately, have) time for them.  I think in some ways I've gotten lazy if I'm honest, but life has also changed.  I feel disjointed at times because there are so many amazing people around me that I love deeply.  I want to spend time with all of them, but, realistically, I can't.  I feel like because of that I have many shallow relationships instead of a few deep ones.  Thankfully, I've been blessed with some great friends that I can pick up with after a long time and feel like we saw each other yesterday.  Unfortunately, we don't get to live day to day life together.  All this to say that God has been teaching me that I need those connections.  He has also been reminding me that most of all I need Him.  He is the one who makes me feel whole.  He is the one who is all sufficient.  I haven't been making time for Him lately and I feel the drain of it.  I need more than quick prayers before meals, bed, and as I fly through my day.  I need to really connect with Him.  My marriage, my child, and my loved ones will receive the overflowing blessings if I do.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort" 

---2 Cor. 1:3

Blurb

I want to post all about my amazing birthday and the incredible people who made it that way, but I can't! I have a baby with a small sleep window and LOTS to do for the divine Mrs. Lee, her tiny Lee, & the baby shower of love. For now, thanks so much to everyone who made me feel so loved on (and before) my big day! Also,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KERR!!!

Bad Habits, Brave Mean Reds, & Home

I have a lot of bad habits. Shocked? Probably not. As Stephanie's post touched on the other day I pick at & bite the skin around my nails (no, not my nails, just my cuticles & skin...ew). I'm working on quitting, but I still do it. I can be very selfish. I leave the TV on with a show paused for upwards of an hour on a regular basis. I'm usually late. I pile paper all over my house and rarely go through it. I check my voicemail on a bi weekly basis (or so). I throw pity parties. I interrupt people. None of that is what I'm going to write about. Tonight's bad habit in the spot light is (insert drum roll here) I hide. If I'm feeling down all I want to do is curl up in my house. Sometimes it is just that simple, sometimes it's deeper than that (due to a very bad past relationship I'd rather avoid people than chance that they might see me cry, another thing I'm working on...sort of). Tonight I have a semi hormone induced case of the brave mean reds. I'm not scared, I'm sad, down for no real reason. Where am I then? Home. Some wonderful friends are downstairs BarBQing. Peter & I were invited to join them. He headed down. I, on the other hand, used Lacie's heating pad on my unhappy back, watched an episode of "Mental," and moped a bit. I love my friends. I love spending time with them. I used to always want to be out. I used to be one of the most social people I knew (this can be confirmed by asking any of my college friends). Now, not so much. I still love being goofy and having a good time. I still have dreams and adventures. Yet, when the blues hit I'd rather be the only one home (Boo's here, but she's in bed). Home is my bubble in a lot of ways. I like it here. I like being out, but on a rough night this feels safer. Maybe it is good thing in some ways. I think the best thing would be to put myself out there and just be honest about how I'm feeling, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. I spent a lot of years (college included) being dishonest about how I was doing. In high school and early college if I was down I self medicated until I wasn't anymore. That went badly. In later college and the years after, I was doing much better and was genuinely happy for the most part, but when I wasn't I faked it. I had a few extremely close friends I was honest with, but for the most part that was only on a one on one basis. In groups I couldn't bring myself to do it. I think now I'm more honest with myself about how I'm doing and unwilling to fake being O.K. when I'm not. I know myself well enough to know if I walk out that door I'll revert. I'll fall right back into pretending I'm fine. Instead I don't walk out the door. Is that worse or better? I'm choosing to believe it is better because I'm not pretending. Even if I'm being authentic alone, I'm still being authentic. I guess that shows growth. I guess even posting this shows growth. My lessons learned should be tempered with things I'm still wrestling with. I'll keep wrestling. This wrestling was as much rambling and fluid thought as anything else. Thanks for bearing with me.

Almost Here

My birthday is coming in just two weeks. I LOVE birthdays! I think it is all the possibilities of a new year, the celebrating with people I love, and how life affirming they are. I'll be 32 this year. I'm incredibly excited. I've always thought that 32 sounded like an exciting age. I'm not sure why. I hope it will be. I've decided to do some things to feel just a little more fabulous as year 32 begins.

1. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow (YAY for Jac being all better!). I'll post pictures.
   
2. I'm one step closer to beginning my "tattoo process." I've decided on "She will always love." in a cursive or scroll font. It will be a wandering swirl on the back of my neck. Now I just need a mock up to hang somewhere. Do any of you graphic designer font ninjas have suggestions for fonts I should look at?
   
3. I have a gift card for a facial & massage that Peter gave me for our anniversary that I think I'll schedule for next week.
4. I have a gift certificate for a mani & pedi (thanks Lacie, Kacey, Andrew, & R.J.) from my birthday last year that I'm going to use.

Peter has asked me to start brainstorming how I want to celebrate. I'm really not sure. I just know I want to be with my loved ones. Any ideas out there? I want to do sushi with Talicia while she's here as one part. Just her being here is a gift! YAY for birthdays!

Lessons in Contentment, Day 3

Lesson One (A.K.A. Today's Funny Story):
This morning Peter's car randomly rolled and was blocking a nearby apartment building's driveway. The cops were called. We got a $50 ticket. The car would have been towed, costing us $1,500, if Peter hadn't randomly decided to go running just as the cop showed up. Praise God for the tiny prompts He gives us! My lesson in this was how crazy it was that I focused first on the $50 we now owe instead of the $1,450 we don't.

Lesson Two (A.K.A. Today's Update):
I'm filling in at my old job today. It is a wonderful place. I'm getting the chance to spend time with women who are "soul refreshing" friends. The people who just seeing their smile makes your burdens feel lighter and life feel easier. It is such a blessing. It reminds me of all my other friends who do this for me and how I need to make more time for them. It reminds me that I'm blessed to have them. I miss my little girl, but I know she & her daddy are having a blast and being here today will help me be a better mommy.

Lesson Three (A.K.A. The Really Important One):
Some of you may remember my friend Donna. We used to work together here until I had my daughter. Wednesdays were the day we worked together. She's not here today because she is at chemo. Instead of getting to hear how things are from her I'm reading an e-mail. Her joy and upbeat personality still come through. I don't think she would mind if I share some of her wise words:

"Every day has a fork in the road. We can choose to travel down the road of self-piy, self-introspection, or self-absorption. The problem is that fork always leads to a dead end. It leaves us weary, discouraged and out of options because we were never meant to live life on our own. And we certainly don't have all the answers.

On the other hand, we can choose gratitude. Admittedly, this is the road less traveled. But then, that means a smoother ride - less bumps, potholes, and loose debris. This road always leads to somewhere better than where we are. It lifts us out of the mundane and invites us into the Divine.

Strangely, if we don't make the choice, it will be made for us by circumstances. Most of us are like cars with our wheels out of alignment. We automatically drift towards bitterness. Gratitude realigns our souls and keeps us on the right road."

I'll end with the same verse she ended her e-mail with:

"Be joyful always...give thanks in all circumstances"
1 Thes. 5:16-18

The Rest of the List of Things I Want:

1. See previous entry for number one. (Note - accomplished on a walk with Kacey)
2. To love like God
3. More time with friends/deeper time with friends (especially Kacey, Lacie, Sarah, & Stacy)
4. To go see Janette at the hospital
5. A green dragon roll
6. A pedicure
   
7. Amaya to visit
8. All my laundry to be magically done
9. A massage
   
10. Talicia to live in San Jose
11. A pair of Red Engine jeans
12. Amaya's mom's chocolate mousse
    
13. To see my daughter's beautiful smile
14. To continue learning how to be a better friend
15. A vanity
    
16. My hubbie to be home from work
17. A bigger apartment (still on the wishlist, but no longer worrying about it)
18. "Eli Stone" to be un-canceled

In Happier News...

I got to hang out with Kacey last night and it was a huge blessing. I love fellowship.

(Lacie, Kacey, & I warding off attackers)

Thoughts of a Woman Who Is Not Asleep

When I visited Jessie Lee, Mike, and their beautiful baby in the hospital last night we discussed how quickly men tend to fall asleep. We came to the conclusion that this is because many men have the ability to shut down their thoughts while women tend to let them swirl around in their heads at night. Driving this point home is the fact that, as I type this, my sweet husband is fast asleep and has been since about five minutes after crawling into bed. Clearly, I am not asleep. After that interesting conversation I decided I'd give the world a peek into what goes on in a woman's head when she should be drifting off to dreamland. Here is a chronicle of my thoughts this particular night:
1. Amaya on her flight to New York and how proud I am of her for doing this
2. Begin writing two poems in my head
(roll over)
3. I'm not sleeping
4. Aforementioned discussion
(roll back over)
5. I need a hair cut
6. Furrow brow at current "mom cut"
7. Wonder how my little one is sleeping
8. Imagine how cute she is right now
9. Design possible new hairstyle
10. Weigh pros and cons of putting a wide streak of dark purple in my bangs
11. Contemplate where to get hair cut (Stephanie's work vs. my old stylist vs. Lacie's hairdresser vs. Kacey's relative)
(roll over)
12. Need for sleep so I can be at church in the morning
13. Lenny's birthday celebration and the fun I had with friends from church (and a few not from church)
14. Begin writing this blog in my head
15. Debate getting up to write blog
(get up)

There you have it, your very own jaunt into the sleepless cerebrum of a woman. Now I'm off to make another valiant attempt at slumber.