Easter

It's been a busy few days.  The weekend was packed with wonderful birthday parties for precious little girls.  The week so far has been a beautiful blur of visits from my family.  It's quiet in my house now.  Things are slowing down a bit before the holiday weekend.  It's giving me time to think.  Easter is coming.  It's my favorite holiday.  Everything in my life hinges on this Sunday, on these words,

"He is not here; He has risen, just as He said..."

-Matt 28:6

That changes everything.  All of history, eternity, and I will never be the same.  Breathtaking!  I'm astounded by the miracle and the simplicity of God's unending grace.  I can't forget though that Good Friday is also coming.  I can't forget what had to come first.  The sacrifice that was required so that grace could be extended, so that I could be forgiven.  It's heartbreaking and humbling - the depth of His love for me...and for you.

Happy Easter!

He is Risen!

For Today

I read this this morning and it spoke to me, because it is so very true.

"It's a good life, Honey, if you don't grow weary."  

-Alexa Woodward

It reminded me of this:

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  

- Gal. 6:9

Trouble

I'm going through a hard season.  In it I've found I'm not as open as I used to be.  I've fallen into exactly what I've always hated...pretending everything is fine.  I'm fighting that and opening up to friends and family.  I decided the next step was to open up here.  This is, in part, a blog about motherhood because, in part, I am a mother.  I love being a mother of two.  There are, of course, moments I'm not so sure I'm qualified for this "hardest job you'll ever love," but I find that loving them so much makes me qualified.  Beyond that love I fumble through with plenty of prayer and my best.  My biggest struggle this time around has been with nursing.  With my first there were some general struggles, but all in all it was wonderful.  I even ended up nursing her a few months longer than the year I had originally intended.  With my new little it has been something entirely different.  It started out well, but then in the last two months or so we've been facing some serious challenges.  I'm very committed to nursing.  I want to continue until she is a year old not only because of the amazing bonding experience it can be, but because it makes such a difference for her health and future.  I know many people don't have the option to nurse and would never judge, but for me it has been a non-negotiable.  If you don't want to know too much (or know I'd be embarrassed by your knowing) this is the time to wave off (I'll bold later if you want to just skip ahead).  Enter what the doctor calls "suction and latch issues" (she's latching, but not properly and is a bit too strong).  That led to bleeding, horrible pain, and then to the dreaded mastitis.  I've been very tempted to give up, but I'm not going to.  If I was strong enough to unintentionally birth her without medication I can get through this for her.  (Skip to here) I just want to be able to be a good mom and wife at the same time.  I feel like that is there area where I'm achieving an epic fail at times.  I'm less patient when in pain.  Couple this with my toddler who skipped the terrible twos almost entirely, only to invent the Amazing but Willful Threes and you get a very cranky mommy.  I praise God for providing me the fruit of the Spirit (chiefly patience and self control) in moments when I don't have them (or anything else) left in me.  Thankfully my family is patient with me.  I finally decided to mention what I've been going through here because I found so much comfort in the blogs I found online where moms shared their own struggles.  So to Sarah (from Becoming Sarah) & Jessica (from The Leaky B@@b, link below), thank you so much for your authenticity and transparency.  I'm not going into much detail here, but if there are others facing these things please feel free to contact me and I will share my experiences or just offer support.  For now here are some things that are helping me out today:

My beauties

This blog entry (there are nursing photos & I know some people don't like that so be warned)

My hubbie

by PaperArtOriginals

but most of all,

 

"I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." 

Philippians 4:13

Tattooed Lady

I'm contemplating another tattoo.  I'm not ready for the one I'd love to get on my back someday, but I've been mulling over another one since shortly after my older daughter was born.  It would be a simple tattoo in a script style font that somehow references my desire to love.  If you read my blog you may remember I wrote about it here, here, & here (BTW - I'm still looking for all I mentioned in that one). On Memorial Day three years ago some friends and my family went to a graveyard to pay our respects.  While we were there I came across a headstone with the simple inscription, "She always loved."  It was profound to me.  It summed up all that God has called me to. 

"Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’  This is the first and greatest commandment.  A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’"  

---Matt. 22:37-39

It is what I strive for and seek God's strength for.  It is who I want to be.  Because of all this it would be hugely meaningful to me.  The big challenge is that I'm struggling with the wording for it.  I don't know if I should use the wording from the headstone, shorten it to "always love," or go with something else entirely.  Ideas?  Input?

Today's Lesson

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." 

---Gal 6:9

Today I'm weary, but still doing good.

Every Day

"Praise the Lord; praise God our savior! For each day He carries us in His arms." 

---Ps 68:19

What I Learned Today...

Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" 

---Matthew 4:4

"Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel Shall Come To Thee, Oh Israel"

This morning was rough.  It started out wonderfully.  My baby girl awoke as Peter was getting ready so he placed her next to me in our bed.  We both fell back to sleep snuggled up together.  The trouble began when we woke up just 25 minutes before we should have been leaving for church.  For anyone without a toddler, that is not nearly enough time to get ready.  My daughter is getting her canines in and is almost two.  These two facts alone can double our usual getting ready estimate.  The clearest picture of this is that it took nearly ten minutes to put her pants on.  I'm laughing about it now, but earlier I was not laughing.  One we were both dressed and ready I couldn't find my keys.  Once I found my keys I looked at the clock and found that church was ending in about a half hour.  Roughly the same amount of time it takes to get from our apartment to our church.  I was disappointed.  We were out of town last week & missed church so I really wanted to be there this morning.  When I don't make it to church I miss worshiping in community.  I miss seeing loved ones.  I miss hearing God's word preached.  This morning there was nothing I could do about the first two, but I could still hear God's word preached.  I pulled up iTunes & looked up John MacArthur (a pastor & author my Dad-in-Law respects greatly) and listened.  As I played the first sermon my toddler settled in and played quietly for the entire twenty-some minutes it took to listen.  It was such a blessing.  That being said, it is taking several attempts to listen to part two.  I'm including the first message in case it can bless you as well.

Rejoice Always, 1

Merry Christmas!

Beautiful Joy

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."

---Psalm 28:7

Trusting

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

---Romans 8:28

Verse of the Day

"The LORD delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love."

---Psalm 147:11

"Live From An Authentic Place"

I heard that tonight (spoken by Rick Allen of Def Leppard) and it struck me.  I've been working on it for a while now and I feel like I'm getting better at it.  I've said before that I spent too much time pretending all was well even when it wasn't, but part of what God has been teaching me as of late is that living authentically means sharing my joys as well.  It means connecting with people.  I don't think I have invested enough in people in the last few years.  My friendships are dear to me, but I don't make (or sometimes, unfortunately, have) time for them.  I think in some ways I've gotten lazy if I'm honest, but life has also changed.  I feel disjointed at times because there are so many amazing people around me that I love deeply.  I want to spend time with all of them, but, realistically, I can't.  I feel like because of that I have many shallow relationships instead of a few deep ones.  Thankfully, I've been blessed with some great friends that I can pick up with after a long time and feel like we saw each other yesterday.  Unfortunately, we don't get to live day to day life together.  All this to say that God has been teaching me that I need those connections.  He has also been reminding me that most of all I need Him.  He is the one who makes me feel whole.  He is the one who is all sufficient.  I haven't been making time for Him lately and I feel the drain of it.  I need more than quick prayers before meals, bed, and as I fly through my day.  I need to really connect with Him.  My marriage, my child, and my loved ones will receive the overflowing blessings if I do.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort" 

---2 Cor. 1:3

Short & Real

I'm sooooooooo tired.  The night before last was my first night of real sleep in about a week.  Unfortunately last night was back to no sleep until 2 and then it was patchy at best.  This week it has been our poor baby having a rough time.  The weekend was adventures with Baby Benadryl since our little one got something with cashew in it.  For some reason I slept really poorly on the trip so that accounts for last week.  Sorry there haven't been posts.  I'm drained.  Life is good beyond that.  I hope it is for you as well.

"By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. " 

2 Peter 1:3

Thank You, Amy

A dear friend just sent me this as an encouragement. It was exactly what I needed so I thought I'd share...

Note To Self II

Fighting Fear With Faith

Today I'm walking by faith. My little one has a follow up doctor's appointment at 2:30 to check a strange bump on her stomach. The first appointment sent me reeling when the doctor filling in for our regular pediatrician casually commented that there was "almost no chance it's cancer." It was a thought that hadn't even crossed my mind so all I heard at first was the C word and only later was able to appreciate the "almost no" part. She told us to keep an eye on it and come back in two weeks. The hope was that she'd just bumped herself on something and the spot was swelling that would go away. It's been two weeks and nothing has changed. I'm sad it hasn't disappeared, but pleased it hasn't grown. I've been praying through it and have been learning to lean on God in this. My fervent prayer is that it is nothing serious. I'm frightened that it is, but most of the time I can trust that it's not or that if it is God will carry us all through it. Honestly though, I don't want her to have to "go through" anything. She has an amazing joy, curiosity, and love of life. I want her life to be hard enough that she develops character, but easy enough that she holds onto her happy-go-lucky view of it. I guess that is what all parents want for their kids. So today I'm walking by faith. I'm pushing back the fear and I'm enjoying watching my precious baby girl climb in and out of the laundry basket for the seven thousandth time.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
1 Tim. 1:7

Lessons in Contentment, Day 3

Lesson One (A.K.A. Today's Funny Story):
This morning Peter's car randomly rolled and was blocking a nearby apartment building's driveway. The cops were called. We got a $50 ticket. The car would have been towed, costing us $1,500, if Peter hadn't randomly decided to go running just as the cop showed up. Praise God for the tiny prompts He gives us! My lesson in this was how crazy it was that I focused first on the $50 we now owe instead of the $1,450 we don't.

Lesson Two (A.K.A. Today's Update):
I'm filling in at my old job today. It is a wonderful place. I'm getting the chance to spend time with women who are "soul refreshing" friends. The people who just seeing their smile makes your burdens feel lighter and life feel easier. It is such a blessing. It reminds me of all my other friends who do this for me and how I need to make more time for them. It reminds me that I'm blessed to have them. I miss my little girl, but I know she & her daddy are having a blast and being here today will help me be a better mommy.

Lesson Three (A.K.A. The Really Important One):
Some of you may remember my friend Donna. We used to work together here until I had my daughter. Wednesdays were the day we worked together. She's not here today because she is at chemo. Instead of getting to hear how things are from her I'm reading an e-mail. Her joy and upbeat personality still come through. I don't think she would mind if I share some of her wise words:

"Every day has a fork in the road. We can choose to travel down the road of self-piy, self-introspection, or self-absorption. The problem is that fork always leads to a dead end. It leaves us weary, discouraged and out of options because we were never meant to live life on our own. And we certainly don't have all the answers.

On the other hand, we can choose gratitude. Admittedly, this is the road less traveled. But then, that means a smoother ride - less bumps, potholes, and loose debris. This road always leads to somewhere better than where we are. It lifts us out of the mundane and invites us into the Divine.

Strangely, if we don't make the choice, it will be made for us by circumstances. Most of us are like cars with our wheels out of alignment. We automatically drift towards bitterness. Gratitude realigns our souls and keeps us on the right road."

I'll end with the same verse she ended her e-mail with:

"Be joyful always...give thanks in all circumstances"
1 Thes. 5:16-18

For Future Reference

It truly is.

Pink Is The New Grout

I just finished cleaning my entire kitchen. "Why?" you might ask. Today my husband and I both tried unsuccessfully to pour Cherry Pomegranate Crystal Light (at different times). We both spilled Cherry Pomegranate Crystal Light all over the kitchen. It got everywhere. It was a lovely, red, sticky mess. Now after using every clorox wipe in our apartment, not to mention a bathroom towel and plenty of paper towels, it has been cleaned up. Our grout is pink even after all the scrubbing. During the cleaning I decided a few things:

1. I can be angry with an intimate object...like my malfunctioning pitcher for example.
   
2. We are no longer purchasing this particular flavor of Crystal Light, even if it does have antioxidants.
   
3. The artificial colorings used for this drink have no business being in our bodies if they can stain my kitchen.

It has been a crazy day. I prayed earlier that the Lord would help me learn to be content regardless of my circumstances. My prayer is being answered. He is teaching me. I say this only partly due to the fact that since I began typing this a few more exciting things have happened:

1. My husband informed me that our water has been turned off without notice by the plumbers working on our building.
2. My daughter dumped chocolate chips all over the newly scrubbed kitchen floor and began to eat them.
3. I cleaned up said chocolate chips (yes, I did eat the last few left in the bag afterward).
   
4. I realized again I haven't had any coffee all day.

Despite all this I am laughing as I listen to my husband and daughter play. I am learning the lesson I asked for and I am glad; however, next time I pray that prayer I'll be better prepared for what may come next.

This post is lovingly dedicated to Peter who graciously watched our little girl so I could write it with only a few interruptions.

What's With the Name?

Some of you may have guessed by now why I titled my blog as I did. It is a reference to the verse I posted on Thursday. There are a few places in the Bible that sparrows are mentioned. There is also an old hymn called, "His Eye Is On The Sparrow." The lyrics are:

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Over the last year God has used these to remind me that He is always with me. He knows about my every joy and struggle I face and is there with me. It reminds me that even the littlest sparrow has His attention and so do I. Now and then I feel like the sparrows - tiny and not worth much in may people's eyes. It's then that I remember that to God those sparrows are beautiful and valuable, and I am even more so.