Blurb

I want to post all about my amazing birthday and the incredible people who made it that way, but I can't! I have a baby with a small sleep window and LOTS to do for the divine Mrs. Lee, her tiny Lee, & the baby shower of love. For now, thanks so much to everyone who made me feel so loved on (and before) my big day! Also,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KERR!!!

Bad Habits, Brave Mean Reds, & Home

I have a lot of bad habits. Shocked? Probably not. As Stephanie's post touched on the other day I pick at & bite the skin around my nails (no, not my nails, just my cuticles & skin...ew). I'm working on quitting, but I still do it. I can be very selfish. I leave the TV on with a show paused for upwards of an hour on a regular basis. I'm usually late. I pile paper all over my house and rarely go through it. I check my voicemail on a bi weekly basis (or so). I throw pity parties. I interrupt people. None of that is what I'm going to write about. Tonight's bad habit in the spot light is (insert drum roll here) I hide. If I'm feeling down all I want to do is curl up in my house. Sometimes it is just that simple, sometimes it's deeper than that (due to a very bad past relationship I'd rather avoid people than chance that they might see me cry, another thing I'm working on...sort of). Tonight I have a semi hormone induced case of the brave mean reds. I'm not scared, I'm sad, down for no real reason. Where am I then? Home. Some wonderful friends are downstairs BarBQing. Peter & I were invited to join them. He headed down. I, on the other hand, used Lacie's heating pad on my unhappy back, watched an episode of "Mental," and moped a bit. I love my friends. I love spending time with them. I used to always want to be out. I used to be one of the most social people I knew (this can be confirmed by asking any of my college friends). Now, not so much. I still love being goofy and having a good time. I still have dreams and adventures. Yet, when the blues hit I'd rather be the only one home (Boo's here, but she's in bed). Home is my bubble in a lot of ways. I like it here. I like being out, but on a rough night this feels safer. Maybe it is good thing in some ways. I think the best thing would be to put myself out there and just be honest about how I'm feeling, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. I spent a lot of years (college included) being dishonest about how I was doing. In high school and early college if I was down I self medicated until I wasn't anymore. That went badly. In later college and the years after, I was doing much better and was genuinely happy for the most part, but when I wasn't I faked it. I had a few extremely close friends I was honest with, but for the most part that was only on a one on one basis. In groups I couldn't bring myself to do it. I think now I'm more honest with myself about how I'm doing and unwilling to fake being O.K. when I'm not. I know myself well enough to know if I walk out that door I'll revert. I'll fall right back into pretending I'm fine. Instead I don't walk out the door. Is that worse or better? I'm choosing to believe it is better because I'm not pretending. Even if I'm being authentic alone, I'm still being authentic. I guess that shows growth. I guess even posting this shows growth. My lessons learned should be tempered with things I'm still wrestling with. I'll keep wrestling. This wrestling was as much rambling and fluid thought as anything else. Thanks for bearing with me.

Medical Insurance...Do Share

Peter & I have a meeting tomorrow to get our medical insurance figured out. Peter's main job is a contractor so we have to get our own medical insurance. We currently have a Blue Shield P.P.O. that has been wonderful medically but more expensive than we can afford (read, premiums more than our rent and we still owe on our 18 month old daughter's birth - time in the N.I.C.U. is expensive, but priceless). Recently our monthly premiums were raised again and we decided it was time for a change. We have looked at H.S.A.s, high deductible P.P.O.s, Kaiser, and have thought about an H.M.O.

I've never had an H.M.O. so I know almost nothing about them. I know the main difference is that my General Practitioner would have to refer me to any other specialists, but not much else. What are the groups in this area? Do they include any of my current doctors? Would we still get to go to Good Sam?

I've never had Kaiser either, but at least 3/4 of what I've heard have been horror stories. After watching how they've handled Lenny's Grandpa after his stroke this past week I'm honestly somewhat frightened for their patients and have no desire to be one of them. Am I wrong? Are there others of you out there who have had wonderful experiences with them?

Please share. If you live in California (or used to) let me know what medical insurance you have or have had and what kind of reviews you'd give it. If you are involved with the medical community please share your thoughts. The more information we can get when making this decision the better. Thanks in advance for your help!!

Staggeringly Stupendous

My husband is currently on his way to Safeway because he loves me. I might be a teeny, weeny bit PMSy. Not PMSy in the mean way (mostly not), just in the craving-could-get-pouty way. This condition has been made more dire because my house is deviod of chocolate. If you read my earlier post you know that the last of the chocolate ended up on the newly washed kitchen floor (well, to be fair the very last of it ened up in my tummy). Either way there is no chocolate. Enter Peter, my fabulous husband. After Bible Study (which just ended and was fantastic - Go Lenny!) he headed off to Safeway for goodies. I just had to give him some well deserved props. Blessed and receiving chocolate soon I sign off.
Good Night!

To Do List Day

As a mom I live in borderline chaos at all times. To reign in the madness I find little ways to organize. I have piles around the house, but I find these do more to add to the chaos than to decrease it. I color code my calendar (yes, really). I love it. Peter & Lenny love to get a hold of my beloved sharpies and mess with me by adding things in the wrong colors. Beyond that, it is a wonderful sanity enhancing tool. I also make to do lists. I have done this for years (I used to make other people lists too...teehee). When I became a mom one of my adjustments was realizing that my lists were more than a tad too ambitious. I had to realize what I got done in a day before now took three. The bigger adjustment was accepting that and being O.K. with it. I think I have come to this place, for the most part. Today is a day of grand "To Do List" expectations. I'm hoping to get it all done, but I'm preparing myself for forced acceptance if it doesn't happen. Wondering what goes on this list? Here you go:

• Shower (yes, that goes on the list)
• Katie over
• Mail baby shower invitations
• Pick up alterations (News to no one - I'm short)
• Stride Rite (baby is growing like crazy & her very cute, very wide feet need new shoes)
• Apple store (my new ipod, that recently replaced my old new ipod, is angry with me) (sidenote - I am beginning to be concerned that I am the opposite & adult version of Baby Touch & Go on "Heroes")
  
• Rico & Rachel over for mtg.
• Wii Fit
• Bible Study

I realize this is not a long list, but in the midst of this I will feed, clothe, and care for my child. Therein lies the challenge. I'll let you know how I do.

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!

This morning we went to the Rose, White, & Blue Parade. It was wonderful! After we hit the street fair with Lenny & Sarah. My favorite float was:

It was actually pulled through the parade by the hose! I loved it! There were some very cool cars too. There were 3 classic Mustangs, but all 3 were red convertibles. I LOVE classic Mustangs, but I'm just not as big on red ones or convertibles. Because of that my favorite cars were probably the Woody and the Willy. The owner of the Willy even let my girl sit in it! Here are some pics:

Tonight we are going to do sparklers and watch the Boston Pops! I'm really excited!

Have a wonderful 4th of July and remember how much we have to be grateful for!

I want to send a special thank you to Kerr, Scott D., Adam C., and all the other military men and women for serving and for going through things we back at home can't fathom. Thank you for giving so much.

Thoughts of a Woman Who Is Not Asleep

When I visited Jessie Lee, Mike, and their beautiful baby in the hospital last night we discussed how quickly men tend to fall asleep. We came to the conclusion that this is because many men have the ability to shut down their thoughts while women tend to let them swirl around in their heads at night. Driving this point home is the fact that, as I type this, my sweet husband is fast asleep and has been since about five minutes after crawling into bed. Clearly, I am not asleep. After that interesting conversation I decided I'd give the world a peek into what goes on in a woman's head when she should be drifting off to dreamland. Here is a chronicle of my thoughts this particular night:
1. Amaya on her flight to New York and how proud I am of her for doing this
2. Begin writing two poems in my head
(roll over)
3. I'm not sleeping
4. Aforementioned discussion
(roll back over)
5. I need a hair cut
6. Furrow brow at current "mom cut"
7. Wonder how my little one is sleeping
8. Imagine how cute she is right now
9. Design possible new hairstyle
10. Weigh pros and cons of putting a wide streak of dark purple in my bangs
11. Contemplate where to get hair cut (Stephanie's work vs. my old stylist vs. Lacie's hairdresser vs. Kacey's relative)
(roll over)
12. Need for sleep so I can be at church in the morning
13. Lenny's birthday celebration and the fun I had with friends from church (and a few not from church)
14. Begin writing this blog in my head
15. Debate getting up to write blog
(get up)

There you have it, your very own jaunt into the sleepless cerebrum of a woman. Now I'm off to make another valiant attempt at slumber.