"Every breath is a second chance"

That is a line from Switchfoot's new song "Your Love Is A Song."  I love it.  It is such a perfect reminder as a new year begins.  I usually don't do resolutions.  This year I've decided I'm going to.  Here are a few of them:

• Be more patient.  I guess really my resolution is to get more time with God so that more of the fruit of the Spirit grows in my life.
  
• Reconcile with my Wii Fit.  We had an argument a few months ago when it told me I'd gained 4 pounds since I'd started using it.  We haven't been on speaking terms since.
• Be the best wife & mom I can be (with God's help).
• Do more silly things just because.
• Show those around me just how much I love them and not be afraid to be vulnerable.
  

Good-bye 2009.  You were a good year all in all, but with some horribly difficult times.  Thank you, Lord, for being faithful to see us through another year!  Thank you for every new day and every "second chance."

Stunted

I need to go to bed, but I thought that before I ended my day I'd check in.  I have lots of things I could write about, but I'm not that interested in most of them so I imagine you wouldn't be either.  Maybe I'll revisit them another time.  For now I'm revisiting 2009.  It has seemed like a very long year to me.  Part of that has been watching my little girl grow. 
Side note - she has recently begun calling out to me in Italian, "Mamma mia...mammma mia...maaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmma miiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaa!"  I think it is hilarious and charming.
Another part of it has been that there have been so many big events.  In my exhaustion typing this has caused my mind to burst out with, "Seasons Change" by Expose.  I may be too tired to complete this post.  I'll share anyway and I'll try to come back to it soon.

San Jose Snow Man

As seen on a walk...

 

What I Learned Today...

Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" 

---Matthew 4:4

A Quote

"Wisdom is knowing what the right thing to do is.  Virtue is doing it."

---Unknown

"Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel Shall Come To Thee, Oh Israel"

This morning was rough.  It started out wonderfully.  My baby girl awoke as Peter was getting ready so he placed her next to me in our bed.  We both fell back to sleep snuggled up together.  The trouble began when we woke up just 25 minutes before we should have been leaving for church.  For anyone without a toddler, that is not nearly enough time to get ready.  My daughter is getting her canines in and is almost two.  These two facts alone can double our usual getting ready estimate.  The clearest picture of this is that it took nearly ten minutes to put her pants on.  I'm laughing about it now, but earlier I was not laughing.  One we were both dressed and ready I couldn't find my keys.  Once I found my keys I looked at the clock and found that church was ending in about a half hour.  Roughly the same amount of time it takes to get from our apartment to our church.  I was disappointed.  We were out of town last week & missed church so I really wanted to be there this morning.  When I don't make it to church I miss worshiping in community.  I miss seeing loved ones.  I miss hearing God's word preached.  This morning there was nothing I could do about the first two, but I could still hear God's word preached.  I pulled up iTunes & looked up John MacArthur (a pastor & author my Dad-in-Law respects greatly) and listened.  As I played the first sermon my toddler settled in and played quietly for the entire twenty-some minutes it took to listen.  It was such a blessing.  That being said, it is taking several attempts to listen to part two.  I'm including the first message in case it can bless you as well.

Rejoice Always, 1

Merry Christmas!

Just Sharing

Incredible!

Parking Lot Beauty

Beautiful Joy

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."

---Psalm 28:7

Visits, Dream Shopping, and What Really Matters

I've had more of those wonderful reunions since I last wrote.  My family and I were able to celebrate Thanksgiving as well as Nana's 80th, Richard's 29th, & Lindsey's 27th birthdays in Portland with my mom's whole side of the fam.  It was wonderful!  I also got to spend the day today with Amaya who is home from NY.  It was so good just to be with loved ones.

Warning : This is going to be a fluff piece.  I'm feeling fluffy ;)

I'm still contemplating a tattoo.  I want the theme to be unconditional love.  If you can think of a line, phrase, pic that exemplifies me please post it so I can include it in the ideas I'm mulling over.

I love wishlists.  We've been over this.  My lists are full of things I don't need, but still love thinking about.  I think they are the most fun right before birthdays & Christmas because of all the possibility.  Currently there are a few things I've been drooling over.  One of them is in my "lately" list to the right.  I saw it at Nordstrom tonight and now I'm longing for it.  Gorgeous and fun while still pulling off sophistication.  I'm also loving Hobo's Lauren wallet in Mogano.   My Sephora wishlist is bursting.  Amaya got me one of the fragrances I'd been wanting - Saint by Kat Von D.  The other one I'm wanting is Unconditional Love.  Sorry, for all the silly gushing.  Amaya & I wandered the mall and I got all starry eyed.

Here comes the substance:

With Christmas coming I wanted to let folks know of some great places to donate to help those in need.  A number of my friends & family are donating instead of exchanging gifts.  I think it is awesome and wanted to encourage my readers to do the same.  These are only a few options.  There are so many other places to give.  Please consider giving gifts that will last and change lives this year. 

Heart to Heart International
Community Pregnancy Centers 
CityTeam Ministries
Living Water International
Covenant House 

Listen Here

Anyone who knows me knows that I love music.  I have no talent for it (unless you count often knowing titles & artists).    I would gladly listen to music from the moment I wake.  I can't listen to it until I fall asleep because I have the bad habit of keeping myself awake listening.  I love the power music has to influence your mood or take you back to an entirely different place and time.  I love that the opening notes to "America" by Simon and Garfunkel make me feel I'm being embraced by an old friend.  To share the music I'm discovering and my dearly loved favorites I've added a section at the very bottom right of this blog that lists songs I've bookmarked on my pandora stations.  I hope you'll enjoy it.

Yesterday's Quote

"Cheese has no business..."

"...being easy?"

---The first part was me & then Peter filled in where he thought I should be going with it

Confessions of an Admittedly Insecure Blogger

Warning : I am about to delve into my insecurities.  This is not a plea for a response.  It will sound that way and I know it.  I'm choosing to write anyway.

While I write my blog mostly for myself I still find myself hungry for interaction.  I find myself longing to know someone out there is reading and caring what I'm thinking.  I check my blog for comments regularly.  I link my blog to my facebook notes so I can receive comments there as well.  Today one of my entries received two "likes" and it made me smile.

I haven't spent much of my life being insecure.  When I first moved to California I went through a time of being so shy I wanted to fade into nonexistence.   So much so that I used to "cut" recess and hide under my desk to read.  Eventually it got better and I made more friends.  Suddenly in Jr. High I burst from my shell and never looked back.  Throughout high school and college I was very self assured.  I, of course, dealt with the usual insecurities in relationships (sometimes more than the usual), but overall I knew who I was and what I wanted.  I've felt much less that way since becoming a mom.  I know there are a million reasons for this (it's the most wonderful yet hardest job I've ever had, I've put on a few pounds, I'm finding the balance between the various roles in my life, etc).  Writing makes me feel more secure.  It has been part of me for years.  Whether it was diaries, poetry, essays, or ramblings it has been a way for me to sort through my feelings.  It has also been a way for me to share those feelings and better understand the feelings of others.  I guess it makes me feel more myself.

Blogging is much like the other mediums in many ways except that you are rarely present when it is being read.  It leaves you little chance to experience the readers' response.  This has been hard for me.  It has been difficult not to see or hear a response.  I find myself longing for any kind of interaction with what I've written, any feedback - good or bad (but mostly good if I'm honest).  At times it has made me question my writing or, more accurately, my writing of a blog.  I'm still deciding how I feel about taking so much of myself and placing it out into the world so publicly.  I think I am more for sharing in intimate settings like poetry readings and time with friends.  Then again, I suppose if all writers were this way we'd have no books.

Familiar Faces OR That Joyful Leap Of Your Heart

In early October I got to be part of some homecomings and overlapping visits of old friends.  Kelly made it back to SJ to adopt my Sis-In-Law's dog (being the saint she is drove all the way from AZ to pick her up).  Kerr came for a wedding.  It was the first time since my wedding in 2005 they were here at the same time.

Kelly and I sat across from one another in eighth grade science.  We've been close ever since.  We saw each other through the best and worst of high school.  We helped each other grapple with things fourteen, fifteen, and sixteen year olds should never have to face.  We built the sort of bonds that make you sisters no matter the passage of time.  Kel moved to Arizona after shortly after we graduated and, although we visited regularly for a few years, in the end we floated in and out of one another's lives.  This time it had been two years since we'd seen each other.

Kerr and I met in junior high as well.  We started to get close when he & Dom would cut church and walk to my house on Sunday mornings.  It wasn't until freshman year, however, that we became best friends.  Strangely enough, I remember the exact moment that cinched it.  I was fourteen and he was fifteen (our birthdays are back to back) and it was at a party at Raf's.  I was there for him in a moment of need.  After that we were there for each other, period.  Over the last eighteen years our lives have changed and gone in different directions, but there has never been a moment when we couldn't call the other.  Kerr had been home several months back, but we never get to see enough of each other when he is here and there is always a sadness when he has to go back to Texas.

The weekend after Kelly and Kerr's visits I got to see my cousin Bart for the first time in twelve years.  Bart & I are only a few months apart in age.  We grew up near each other until we were about eight years old and our families moved.  His to Wisconsin and mine to California.  From then on we lived half way and, at times, all the way across the country from each other.  We'd see each other every few years and it'd be like no time had passed at all.  I can't believe this time it had been twelve years, long enough for me to finish college, him to be stationed overseas more than once, us to both get married, and for me to have a child.

What I wanted to write about was that moment you first see a loved one after much too much time has passed.  It is the moment you first lay eyes on them when it fully hits you just how much you've missed them.  You are always aware that you miss them when you think of them, but life keeps going and you accept that you don't get to see them.  You stop really thinking about the fact that they are no longer part of your everyday life, though you'd like them to be.  All of that dulls until the moment you see them again.  All of a sudden it washes over you how much you've missed them and how glad you are that they have been in your life.  I felt so blessed to get to have three of those moments within a week.  Kelly, Kerr, and Bart, I love you guys more than you know.  Boppa, Momma, Richard, Aunties, Uncles, Cousins, Talicia, Amaya, Janette, and a few others, I'm waiting for those moments.  I love you and I can't wait until I see you next!!

Avoidance Never Makes It Go Away

Amaya has once again inspired me (she's pretty good at that, as most of you know).  She has finally caught up on her blog and it challenged me to do the same.  You may have noticed I've been avoiding writing much of anything deep for a while now.  The ideas for blog entries have been piling up in my head, but I just haven't been able to force myself to sit down and write them.  I think part of it has been how busy we've been this last month.  We've been hugely blessed to see family which is wonderful; however, having so much going on and traveling and such has just left me spent.  When I get a chance to sit down all I want to do veg out and let my brain leak out my ear.  This has led to more than a few hours of mindless television and Bejeweled Blitz.  It has also led to my poor blog gathering dust except for very brief entries, quotes, and videos.  Sorry.  I will put some time into it this week.

Trusting

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

---Romans 8:28

Little Joys

My brother was in town for the weekend and this morning we dragged our exhausted selves out the door to take my daughter for a walk.  We meandered along talking while my toddler rode in her stroller.  When we were a little more than half way home we wandered through the park and A wanted to get out and walk.  I let her and she ended up walking then running then walking again the rest of the several blocks home.  It was amazing.  I loved watching her explore.  She picked up acorns and stuffed her pockets with them.  She greeted dogs out on walks with their owners.  She shrieked, "run, 'mon, 'mon" (her shortened version of 'come on') and ran gleefully as Richard chased her along.  She watched squirrels run up and down trees.  She wandered into patches of tall grass and bent down to touch it just to see what it felt like.  She counted things just because she can now.  When we got home she was exhausted and asked for an early nap, but she had loved every minute of the morning.  It was a reminder to me of the joy we can find in God's creation.  It was a reminder of how often I let the day get away from me without letting myself really experience the wonders that I'm surrounded by.  It was a challenge to me (and I hope it can be to you as well) to enjoy every day and all the tiny miracles scattered like acorns along the way.

Happy Fall!!

Verse of the Day

"The LORD delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love."

---Psalm 147:11

Lately I've been...

has been updated (see right).

Also:
-Listening to the mix I made my brother.

This Weeek

Here is a summary (in chronological order) of the past week and a bit of what's to come the rest of this one.

Low Points:

• Baby & I have been sick
• Had to miss couples' group breakfast, church, Bible study, AND women's study
• Not enough down time to get better quickly (Mom's only get down time when children are sleeping)
  
• Missing going to SF with Kerr & Arndis today (P got called in & the rest of us are still recovering)

High Points:

• Curled up in my favorite sickie outfit (complete with comfy footwear) and read a good book
  
• Fall weather got here!
• Got to hang out with Kelly, Kerr, & Gina  (Amazing to have Kel & Kerr in town at the same time!)
• Sent Tula off to her new home with Kelly in AZ
  
• Found my baby girl sitting on the couch with her hands folded and head down saying, "Daddy, Daddy, Uncle..."  She was praying for Peter & Richard.  Cutest thing I've ever seen.  
• Being silly with my hubbie 
• Listening to long unheard songs on my iTunes and remembering the wonderful people God has placed in my life over the years
  
• Will get to go see Poppa Bill, Momma Lynne, Deb, Ted, & my precious nephews

I'm ready to be done feeling like someone is standing on my face, but beyond that it has been a pretty great week.  I'm continuing my work on T.J.'s birthday gift.  I'm excited about it!  Her birthday was last week, but I wasn't done yet.  I may post about it once she's received it, but can't before then (it'd ruin the surprise).  Today we're going to focus on resting, getting better, and trying to get things done around the house.

Listening To "Brilliant Dance" On My Old "Streetlight Romance" CD

There IS Crying In Baseball

Bengie Molina's postgame interview just made me cry. 

Yes, I know it has been ages since my last post.  I have plans for a number of entries, but things have been crazy.  September was supposed to be my laid back month after my crazy August.  It didn't work out that way at all.  Sorry, Friends.  I promise to come back.

Saturday In The Park

Love Them

"Every little thing wants to be loved."

---The Secret Life of Bees

Needless Information

In case you are interested in what I've been into lately I've added a new little list to the right hand column of this blog.  I'll keep it updated with books, music, movies, shopping, websites, and clothes.  I hope you enjoy it.

"Live From An Authentic Place"

I heard that tonight (spoken by Rick Allen of Def Leppard) and it struck me.  I've been working on it for a while now and I feel like I'm getting better at it.  I've said before that I spent too much time pretending all was well even when it wasn't, but part of what God has been teaching me as of late is that living authentically means sharing my joys as well.  It means connecting with people.  I don't think I have invested enough in people in the last few years.  My friendships are dear to me, but I don't make (or sometimes, unfortunately, have) time for them.  I think in some ways I've gotten lazy if I'm honest, but life has also changed.  I feel disjointed at times because there are so many amazing people around me that I love deeply.  I want to spend time with all of them, but, realistically, I can't.  I feel like because of that I have many shallow relationships instead of a few deep ones.  Thankfully, I've been blessed with some great friends that I can pick up with after a long time and feel like we saw each other yesterday.  Unfortunately, we don't get to live day to day life together.  All this to say that God has been teaching me that I need those connections.  He has also been reminding me that most of all I need Him.  He is the one who makes me feel whole.  He is the one who is all sufficient.  I haven't been making time for Him lately and I feel the drain of it.  I need more than quick prayers before meals, bed, and as I fly through my day.  I need to really connect with Him.  My marriage, my child, and my loved ones will receive the overflowing blessings if I do.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort" 

---2 Cor. 1:3

Sleeeeeeeep

I need these cute earplugs, mask, and a loved one to take the night shift tonight ;) 

Boo down to bed - 8:15pm

Current time - 9:28pm

Wake Up count - 1

Short & Real

I'm sooooooooo tired.  The night before last was my first night of real sleep in about a week.  Unfortunately last night was back to no sleep until 2 and then it was patchy at best.  This week it has been our poor baby having a rough time.  The weekend was adventures with Baby Benadryl since our little one got something with cashew in it.  For some reason I slept really poorly on the trip so that accounts for last week.  Sorry there haven't been posts.  I'm drained.  Life is good beyond that.  I hope it is for you as well.

"By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. " 

2 Peter 1:3

1 Portland Lesson

"...nostalgia is just memory without the pain."

---Leah Kaplan

I Might Be That Fairy

I'm home from Portland ow.  I'll do an update soon about my great trip and the comedy of errors that was coming home.  For now, enjoy the amazing card my wonderful Theresa sent me:

Smile Inducing Goodness

A Sigh Of Relief (and more prayers)

First off, I want to thank everyone for the prayers, comments, and text messages (unfortunately I just got all of them because my phone was malfunctioning). Our appointment with the doctor went well. Our Babes was amazing and stood still for the examination - miraculous for a toddler. Our pediatrician thinks it is probably a cyst, hernia, or hematoma. He is not concerned right now because it hasn't grown and isn't causing her pain. He gave us a referral to a Pediatric Surgeon for a clearer diagnosis, but doesn't think we will need to do anything about it. I'll call tomorrow for an appointment so we can find out exactly what this is. I'm beyond relieved that they don't feel it is anything to be worried about. Peter and I have been paising God all afternoon/evening! I'm sorry I wasn't able to get this posted sooner. Peter had to do some work from home. It has been a long day. I'm exhausted, but so thankful that she is O.K. I'm going to go sleep soundly now. Thank you again, Friends. You are blessings to our family. I'll leave you with a shot of her playing with another favorite (and free) toy:

Thank You, Amy

A dear friend just sent me this as an encouragement. It was exactly what I needed so I thought I'd share...

Note To Self II

Peter's Favorite Quote Today

"Sometimes girls and monkeys think exactly alike."

---Curious George

Fighting Fear With Faith

Today I'm walking by faith. My little one has a follow up doctor's appointment at 2:30 to check a strange bump on her stomach. The first appointment sent me reeling when the doctor filling in for our regular pediatrician casually commented that there was "almost no chance it's cancer." It was a thought that hadn't even crossed my mind so all I heard at first was the C word and only later was able to appreciate the "almost no" part. She told us to keep an eye on it and come back in two weeks. The hope was that she'd just bumped herself on something and the spot was swelling that would go away. It's been two weeks and nothing has changed. I'm sad it hasn't disappeared, but pleased it hasn't grown. I've been praying through it and have been learning to lean on God in this. My fervent prayer is that it is nothing serious. I'm frightened that it is, but most of the time I can trust that it's not or that if it is God will carry us all through it. Honestly though, I don't want her to have to "go through" anything. She has an amazing joy, curiosity, and love of life. I want her life to be hard enough that she develops character, but easy enough that she holds onto her happy-go-lucky view of it. I guess that is what all parents want for their kids. So today I'm walking by faith. I'm pushing back the fear and I'm enjoying watching my precious baby girl climb in and out of the laundry basket for the seven thousandth time.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
1 Tim. 1:7

True That!

"There's something weird about every family. That's what makes America great."

---Psych

Blurb

I want to post all about my amazing birthday and the incredible people who made it that way, but I can't! I have a baby with a small sleep window and LOTS to do for the divine Mrs. Lee, her tiny Lee, & the baby shower of love. For now, thanks so much to everyone who made me feel so loved on (and before) my big day! Also,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KERR!!!

Only 2 More Days!!

How Awesome Is That?

I got a package from Fed Ex today. This was odd since I hadn't ordered anything, but I didn't think much of it with my birthday coming. When I saw that it was from Pampered Chef I got excited. They have great products. As I opened the box and saw what was inside I burst out laughing. Peter looked somewhat puzzled. I held it up and he nodded knowingly. It was a new pitcher! Those still feeling somewhat quizzical should read my Pink Is The New Grout post. It was from Felicia. She's amazing and clearly has a fantastic sense of humor. I knew you would want to see it so here is my exciting, new, and fully functioning pitcher:It even came with recipes. Here is the one I'm going to make for my birthday:

Frosty Latte

Ingredients:

4 cups (1 L) vanilla or coffee ice cream, slightly softened 2 cups (500 mL) milk, well chilled 2 cups (500 mL) brewed coffee, cooled to room temperature

Directions:
1.	Scoop ice cream into Quick-Stir® Pitcher. Add milk and coffee. Cover pitcher with lid; plunge to mix. Serve immediately.

Incidentally, Felicia is a rep for them so if you need anything you should order it from her through this convenient link.

Had To Share

I love this.
I thought the world (or at least my readers and facebook friends) should know.

Jut wondering

Where did the cent sign go on the keyboard? Wasn't it there when I was a kid? I'm virtually positive it was.

Gloriously Thwarted

My ever so relaxing week before my birthday fell through. Life got in the way. That is O.K. though, because it is full of other ways I'm getting to celebrate. I'm getting to honor people I love and be part of life experiences. Monday my family was in town and we got to have dinner together, run errands, and enjoy each other! My dad bought Boo a little pink lei for 27 cents and she thought it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever worn. Tuesday I put in several hours preparing for Stacy's baby shower. I'm really excited about it. Stacy and her baby deserve to be celebrated and I'm gad I'm getting to be part of doing this for her. Yesterday we spent time with Cathie before her move. We also got to go for a walk with my Dad-in-Law (who recently moved, but was visiting). Before that we took our little one to be part of a study at Stanford. I'm getting to see her come into her own more and more each day. Sometimes that means learning new words or skills and other times it means screaming and rolling on the floor. In the moment the former pleases me much more than the latter, but both mean she is learning about life and that is exhilarating. This week may have been somewhat unexpected, but it was in the very best way.

Completely Frivolous Post

I have begun my eBay empire (as Peter calls it). I just sold 3 things on ebay. I liked it. I'm pleased that people who appreciate them can have things I don't need anymore. I'm even more pleased they want to give me money for them.

Warning, rant to ensue.
Why is it the vast majority of intelligent/creative shows get canceled within the first two or three seasons, but junk like "Two & a Half Men" is still on? Here are just a few examples:

1. The Black Donnellys
2. Eli Stone
3. October Road
4. The Unusuals
   
5. Life
6. feel free to add to my list in comments (I know Talicia and Andrew were upset about "Pushing Daisies" - an emmy winning canceled show)
   

I'm mad that "Chuck" was even being considered for cancellation (only to be saved by Subway). Also awful, is the fact that most shows don't get much notice that they are going to be canceled so the writers never get a chance to give any kind of closure. A perfect example of this is "Gilmore Girls." It was a great show, but it had possibly the worst (and most thrown together) end in TV history. I guess I should be thankful that there was some kind of end. Most of the shows I listed above didn't even get that. "October Road" got a ten minute wrap up on the DVD of their last season. Most of the others didn't even get that. I think the problem (other than lowbrow humor being what America seems to be demanding) is that the rating system is broken. I don't know many people who watch TV at the time it is actually aired anymore. Most people watch online, record the shows to watch them later, or wait to see them when they are released on DVD. How do we get these things considered in the rating system? Is there a reason they are being overlooked? I'm betting it is because the adverts don't get watched when people watch in these ways (though you are usually forced to if you watch them online). I'm done now. Thank you for humoring me in my crankiness.

Now off to bed. This last week has been a rough one in the sleep department.

Picking Up The Pen

I used to be a poet. That sounds grandiose, but it's not. I used to write poetry. I haven't written a poem in ages. I'm almost positive the last thing a wrote was a poem to Amaya's father. If I'm correct, that was roughly five years ago. Before that I was nearly always writing. If you want to see a few things I wrote, feel free. A lot of my writing was born out of confusion, irony, longing, joy, or sadness. I still experience those, but I guess I process them differently now. I've been mulling over trying to start writing again. We'll see what comes of it. For tonight, here is what did:

Soft rain and strong music mingle in my ears
Flirting with the silence of the night.

Already There

"It is the fool who fails to return to the place of his last happiness."

--October Road

Bad Habits, Brave Mean Reds, & Home

I have a lot of bad habits. Shocked? Probably not. As Stephanie's post touched on the other day I pick at & bite the skin around my nails (no, not my nails, just my cuticles & skin...ew). I'm working on quitting, but I still do it. I can be very selfish. I leave the TV on with a show paused for upwards of an hour on a regular basis. I'm usually late. I pile paper all over my house and rarely go through it. I check my voicemail on a bi weekly basis (or so). I throw pity parties. I interrupt people. None of that is what I'm going to write about. Tonight's bad habit in the spot light is (insert drum roll here) I hide. If I'm feeling down all I want to do is curl up in my house. Sometimes it is just that simple, sometimes it's deeper than that (due to a very bad past relationship I'd rather avoid people than chance that they might see me cry, another thing I'm working on...sort of). Tonight I have a semi hormone induced case of the brave mean reds. I'm not scared, I'm sad, down for no real reason. Where am I then? Home. Some wonderful friends are downstairs BarBQing. Peter & I were invited to join them. He headed down. I, on the other hand, used Lacie's heating pad on my unhappy back, watched an episode of "Mental," and moped a bit. I love my friends. I love spending time with them. I used to always want to be out. I used to be one of the most social people I knew (this can be confirmed by asking any of my college friends). Now, not so much. I still love being goofy and having a good time. I still have dreams and adventures. Yet, when the blues hit I'd rather be the only one home (Boo's here, but she's in bed). Home is my bubble in a lot of ways. I like it here. I like being out, but on a rough night this feels safer. Maybe it is good thing in some ways. I think the best thing would be to put myself out there and just be honest about how I'm feeling, but I don't think I'm quite there yet. I spent a lot of years (college included) being dishonest about how I was doing. In high school and early college if I was down I self medicated until I wasn't anymore. That went badly. In later college and the years after, I was doing much better and was genuinely happy for the most part, but when I wasn't I faked it. I had a few extremely close friends I was honest with, but for the most part that was only on a one on one basis. In groups I couldn't bring myself to do it. I think now I'm more honest with myself about how I'm doing and unwilling to fake being O.K. when I'm not. I know myself well enough to know if I walk out that door I'll revert. I'll fall right back into pretending I'm fine. Instead I don't walk out the door. Is that worse or better? I'm choosing to believe it is better because I'm not pretending. Even if I'm being authentic alone, I'm still being authentic. I guess that shows growth. I guess even posting this shows growth. My lessons learned should be tempered with things I'm still wrestling with. I'll keep wrestling. This wrestling was as much rambling and fluid thought as anything else. Thanks for bearing with me.

Thank You!

Thanks for all the feedback on the bomber jacket for A's costume. The authentic style won by a landslide. It was my favorite too. It's been purchased and came today. She was a little unsure why Mommy was putting a huge coat on her in 80 degree weather, but was a good sport and wore it long enough for a quick photo. Here she is:

Unveiling

Here it is...

(flat ironed)

(post shower)

Much thanks to Jac, Jenn, Kacey, and Boston!!

Here is a bonus pic of the cutie this morning:

Medical Insurance...Do Share

Peter & I have a meeting tomorrow to get our medical insurance figured out. Peter's main job is a contractor so we have to get our own medical insurance. We currently have a Blue Shield P.P.O. that has been wonderful medically but more expensive than we can afford (read, premiums more than our rent and we still owe on our 18 month old daughter's birth - time in the N.I.C.U. is expensive, but priceless). Recently our monthly premiums were raised again and we decided it was time for a change. We have looked at H.S.A.s, high deductible P.P.O.s, Kaiser, and have thought about an H.M.O.

I've never had an H.M.O. so I know almost nothing about them. I know the main difference is that my General Practitioner would have to refer me to any other specialists, but not much else. What are the groups in this area? Do they include any of my current doctors? Would we still get to go to Good Sam?

I've never had Kaiser either, but at least 3/4 of what I've heard have been horror stories. After watching how they've handled Lenny's Grandpa after his stroke this past week I'm honestly somewhat frightened for their patients and have no desire to be one of them. Am I wrong? Are there others of you out there who have had wonderful experiences with them?

Please share. If you live in California (or used to) let me know what medical insurance you have or have had and what kind of reviews you'd give it. If you are involved with the medical community please share your thoughts. The more information we can get when making this decision the better. Thanks in advance for your help!!

Almost Here

My birthday is coming in just two weeks. I LOVE birthdays! I think it is all the possibilities of a new year, the celebrating with people I love, and how life affirming they are. I'll be 32 this year. I'm incredibly excited. I've always thought that 32 sounded like an exciting age. I'm not sure why. I hope it will be. I've decided to do some things to feel just a little more fabulous as year 32 begins.

1. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow (YAY for Jac being all better!). I'll post pictures.
   
2. I'm one step closer to beginning my "tattoo process." I've decided on "She will always love." in a cursive or scroll font. It will be a wandering swirl on the back of my neck. Now I just need a mock up to hang somewhere. Do any of you graphic designer font ninjas have suggestions for fonts I should look at?
   
3. I have a gift card for a facial & massage that Peter gave me for our anniversary that I think I'll schedule for next week.
4. I have a gift certificate for a mani & pedi (thanks Lacie, Kacey, Andrew, & R.J.) from my birthday last year that I'm going to use.

Peter has asked me to start brainstorming how I want to celebrate. I'm really not sure. I just know I want to be with my loved ones. Any ideas out there? I want to do sushi with Talicia while she's here as one part. Just her being here is a gift! YAY for birthdays!

Lessons in Contentment, Day 3

Lesson One (A.K.A. Today's Funny Story):
This morning Peter's car randomly rolled and was blocking a nearby apartment building's driveway. The cops were called. We got a $50 ticket. The car would have been towed, costing us $1,500, if Peter hadn't randomly decided to go running just as the cop showed up. Praise God for the tiny prompts He gives us! My lesson in this was how crazy it was that I focused first on the $50 we now owe instead of the $1,450 we don't.

Lesson Two (A.K.A. Today's Update):
I'm filling in at my old job today. It is a wonderful place. I'm getting the chance to spend time with women who are "soul refreshing" friends. The people who just seeing their smile makes your burdens feel lighter and life feel easier. It is such a blessing. It reminds me of all my other friends who do this for me and how I need to make more time for them. It reminds me that I'm blessed to have them. I miss my little girl, but I know she & her daddy are having a blast and being here today will help me be a better mommy.

Lesson Three (A.K.A. The Really Important One):
Some of you may remember my friend Donna. We used to work together here until I had my daughter. Wednesdays were the day we worked together. She's not here today because she is at chemo. Instead of getting to hear how things are from her I'm reading an e-mail. Her joy and upbeat personality still come through. I don't think she would mind if I share some of her wise words:

"Every day has a fork in the road. We can choose to travel down the road of self-piy, self-introspection, or self-absorption. The problem is that fork always leads to a dead end. It leaves us weary, discouraged and out of options because we were never meant to live life on our own. And we certainly don't have all the answers.

On the other hand, we can choose gratitude. Admittedly, this is the road less traveled. But then, that means a smoother ride - less bumps, potholes, and loose debris. This road always leads to somewhere better than where we are. It lifts us out of the mundane and invites us into the Divine.

Strangely, if we don't make the choice, it will be made for us by circumstances. Most of us are like cars with our wheels out of alignment. We automatically drift towards bitterness. Gratitude realigns our souls and keeps us on the right road."

I'll end with the same verse she ended her e-mail with:

"Be joyful always...give thanks in all circumstances"
1 Thes. 5:16-18

Lessons In Contentment, Day 2

I had just finished getting everything prepared to take a much needed shower...

Let's take a moment right here. What does "everything prepared" mean? The moms out there know. It means your home, yourself, and your toddler. For the record, this is harder and more time consuming than it sounds.

...when I find out that the water has been turned off...again...with no notice. Arg. Where is that Note to Self I wrote? Where is that cheery attitude I had yesterday when this happened? I'm sure I'll find them, but for now I'm ticked. I don't want to take my daughter, my dirty hair, and I out to do errands sans shower.

Wait, here's my note. I found it while going to the kitchen where I also found my sense of humor and my daughter dipping a toy car in the cats' water bowl.

Poll

I need a little help. My baby Boo LOVES airplanes. When we visit my parents she'll repeat, "airple," (which sounds like apple, but means airplane) and knock on the garage door until someone takes her out there to look at my dad's remote controlled planes. When we go to Target and planes fly over the parking lot she blows them kisses. This is a wonderful thing since my dad has been hoping for another flight enthusiast in his line for years. I decided that because of all this she should be a tiny aviator for Halloween (think Amelia Earheart meets Easy Company). I bought her a little aviator hat and I'm going to make her goggles from black felt. Now I'll just looking for her jacket. I'm looking at two. One is for a girl so she'd get more use out of it (a little more $$), but the other one is so authentic that I'm a little bit in love with it (a little less $$). I thought I'd put it out there and get some help with the descision. Here they are:

orWhat do YOU think?

More Excitement!!

I have more good news that I feel the need to share:

1. Stephanie's blog totally blessed and is helping me.
2. I got a coupon for a free pint of Starbucks Ice Cream!!
3. I'M GETTING A PACKAGE FROM AMAYA TOMORROW!!! If you didn't know, I love mail and surprises!!
4. My birthday is coming!
   
5. Peter bought me cookie dough!
6. Talicia is visiting soon!!!
   

Staggeringly Stupendous

My husband is currently on his way to Safeway because he loves me. I might be a teeny, weeny bit PMSy. Not PMSy in the mean way (mostly not), just in the craving-could-get-pouty way. This condition has been made more dire because my house is deviod of chocolate. If you read my earlier post you know that the last of the chocolate ended up on the newly washed kitchen floor (well, to be fair the very last of it ened up in my tummy). Either way there is no chocolate. Enter Peter, my fabulous husband. After Bible Study (which just ended and was fantastic - Go Lenny!) he headed off to Safeway for goodies. I just had to give him some well deserved props. Blessed and receiving chocolate soon I sign off.
Good Night!

For Future Reference

It truly is.

Pink Is The New Grout

I just finished cleaning my entire kitchen. "Why?" you might ask. Today my husband and I both tried unsuccessfully to pour Cherry Pomegranate Crystal Light (at different times). We both spilled Cherry Pomegranate Crystal Light all over the kitchen. It got everywhere. It was a lovely, red, sticky mess. Now after using every clorox wipe in our apartment, not to mention a bathroom towel and plenty of paper towels, it has been cleaned up. Our grout is pink even after all the scrubbing. During the cleaning I decided a few things:

1. I can be angry with an intimate object...like my malfunctioning pitcher for example.
   
2. We are no longer purchasing this particular flavor of Crystal Light, even if it does have antioxidants.
   
3. The artificial colorings used for this drink have no business being in our bodies if they can stain my kitchen.

It has been a crazy day. I prayed earlier that the Lord would help me learn to be content regardless of my circumstances. My prayer is being answered. He is teaching me. I say this only partly due to the fact that since I began typing this a few more exciting things have happened:

1. My husband informed me that our water has been turned off without notice by the plumbers working on our building.
2. My daughter dumped chocolate chips all over the newly scrubbed kitchen floor and began to eat them.
3. I cleaned up said chocolate chips (yes, I did eat the last few left in the bag afterward).
   
4. I realized again I haven't had any coffee all day.

Despite all this I am laughing as I listen to my husband and daughter play. I am learning the lesson I asked for and I am glad; however, next time I pray that prayer I'll be better prepared for what may come next.

This post is lovingly dedicated to Peter who graciously watched our little girl so I could write it with only a few interruptions.

Too Powerful And Beautiful Not To Share

A dance choreographed to honor those affected by breast cancer:

Do Something, Anything

My husband and I watched "Slumdog Millionaire" last night. It was a good movie, but it was horrible to watch. I recommend it anyway, but be prepared to have your heart broken. After watching it I needed to process. My first reaction, in all my shallowness, was to want to never, ever go to India. In my humanness I wanted to get, and stay, as far from that human suffering as possible. Just typing that honesty of my own failings makes my eyes well up with tears and my heart with shame. Once I got past that innitial reaction I wanted to go there and do something, anything, to make a difference, to help. The problem there is that in this season of my life I can't. God has called me right now to make a difference in the lives of my husband, my child, and the people He has placed around me here. For a moment I felt powerless, but then I realized something wonderful. "The people He has placed around me here" includes my close friend Sarah who has been to India to help the children there and stays in touch with people who live there making a difference everyday. Even in staying here God has given me the means to make a difference on the other side of the world. Here is my challenge to you - join me. Let's reach into the "little" we have (which is callous and laughable when compared to the little they have) and give. I'm going to talk to Sarah to find out how best to do that and I'll post more information. If you are interested please get in touch with me by leaving a comment or, if you know me, by e-mailing or facebook messaging me. You can also go to WorldVision and do a search to sponsor a child in India. There are other organizations doing good work over there, but I don't know enough about them to know which are reputable and which aren't. Please, think it over, pray about it, research the conditions there, whatever you need to do, just do something.

Home

A Few Things That Feel Like Home To Me:

1. Really good time in prayer
   
2. My husband's arms
3. My little girl's smile
4. The sounds of my family enjoying themselves when I visit my folks
5. My brother calling me, "Seester" or "The Joy of my Heart"
6. Hugs from old friends who truly know me with all my many quirks and imperfections, yet still love me
7. Chuck Taylors
8. My favorite jeans.
9. The perfect chai tea latte in the fall or caramel macchiato in winter or spring
10. Driving down Santa Teresa on a warm day with the windows down and a good song playing.
11. "America" by Simon & Garfunkel
    

Calling All Creative and/or Tattooed People

I have been mulling over another tattoo for about two years now and I'm beginning to close in on it. I'm excited, but I'm in need of some assistance. I'm looking for help from my creative artsy friends to help me design it (especially those of you who are good with fonts). As for my tattooed friends, I'm looking for recommendations of artists and shops. This is all to start getting things figured out so that I can begin my "tattoo process." I'll post the finalized idea somewhere where I see it everyday for 6 months. If I do that without changing my mind I'll get it. If it needs to be tweaked then I'll make the changes and restart the clock. This way I can be sure to get something I'm passionate about. I'll post pics throughout the process.

What's With the Name?

Some of you may have guessed by now why I titled my blog as I did. It is a reference to the verse I posted on Thursday. There are a few places in the Bible that sparrows are mentioned. There is also an old hymn called, "His Eye Is On The Sparrow." The lyrics are:

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Over the last year God has used these to remind me that He is always with me. He knows about my every joy and struggle I face and is there with me. It reminds me that even the littlest sparrow has His attention and so do I. Now and then I feel like the sparrows - tiny and not worth much in may people's eyes. It's then that I remember that to God those sparrows are beautiful and valuable, and I am even more so.

It's So Very Beautifully, Bittersweetly True

"Maybe I'm crazy, but...when I was a little girl, my mom told me that I was always late to school. One day she followed me to see why. I was looking at chestnuts falling from the trees rolling on the sidewalk or...ants crossing the road...the way a leaf casts a shadow on a tree trunk...little things. I think it's the same with people. I see in them little details so specific to each of them that move me and that I miss, and...will always miss. You can never replace anyone, because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details."

---Before Sunset

Courtney

There is a lovely almost-silence in my house. Zuzu's bell rings as she jaunts from one place to the next checking things out. The white noise of the rain track we purchased on iTunes plays for my sleeping little girl loudly enough to be heard in the living room. I finish writing a letter and head for the kitchen. As I do I step on a forgotten Cheerio. It sticks to my bare foot for a few steps and then disintegrates to powder on my floor. A smile spreads slowly across my face as that tiny piece of trampled cereal reminds me that I am a mom.

Now and then I feel lost in this world. I think we all do. Yesterday was a struggle for me because of that. The world felt so immense and I so minuscule. Part way through the day I went outside and sat on the steps to my apartment. I prayed for a while, pouring my heart out to God. I was reminded that I am His child, His cherished child. The one He will never leave or forsake.

After I came inside Peter and I stood in the kitchen talking. We talked and talked until we started to understand even better the person each of us had married. I was reminded that I am a wife, a loved and very lucky wife.

My parents called last night to see how I was doing after my Dr.'s appointment. My dad reminded me how important I am to him with affirming words and grand compliments I don't deserve, my mom with fussing and advice. I was reminded that I am a daughter, a daughter held dear by two amazing people.

Last night as Peter and I snuck into our room where our 18 month old daughter lay already sleeping there was a little voice in the darkness, "Hi." When Peter asked if she wanted to come snuggle with us for a moment before going back to sleep she replied, "yeah, yeah, yeah." When he laid her down next to me she rolled towads me, help me tight, and kissed my cheek. I was reminded that I am a mom, the most important woman in her life.

All of these things make up vital parts of who I am. There are smaller parts like being someone who loves to drive on sunny days with the music turned up unreasonably loud, who somewhat secretly loves Styx, who would be crushed on a small scale if her DVR didn't record "So You Think You Can Dance." I am that person. I am also someone who declined to meet Chris Carrabba for fear I'd make an idiot of myself and who gets rediculous when I'm tired. I get cranky when I'm hungry and relate all too well to Sandi Thom's, "I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers In Hair)." None of those things are as important as the beautiful reminders I received yesterday. The greatest part of who I am is one who loves Christ, her husband, her daughter, her parents, her brother, and her friends. Yesterday I thanked God for prayer, long talks, phone calls, and hugs. Today I thank Him for little lost cheerios and before work kisses goodbye.

"The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!” Lam 3:22-24

Don't We All?

"What Mirabelle needs is an omniscient voice to illuminate and spotlight her. And to inform everyone that this one has value."

---Shopgirl

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows."
Luke 12:6-7

Today

"For I cried out to Him for help, praising Him as I spoke."
Psalm 66:17

Have You Seen Him?

I think baseball ate my husband.
Added Later:
But, in all fairness,
it was a no hitter.
GO GIANTS!

I stood with him for the last few pitches in honor of what was happening. The first no hitter for a Giant since 1976! Also, I will admit to all that I almost cried watching Jonathan Sanchez's dad hug him after the game and kiss his cheek. It was amazing.

Today's Goal

None Greater

Wake Up Call

I have been struggling the past few days. I've been feeling down and having a bit of a pity party. For the most part nothing big has been bothering me, nothing more than a mole hill of little things that add up. Just before writing this I received an e-mail from a friend who started chemo yesterday. It gave me the kick I needed. She is facing breast cancer with determination and a great attitude. She sent out these verses,

"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold..." 1 Peter 1:6-7 NLT

It reminded me of the main lesson God has been teaching me lately,

"But godliness with contentment is great gain." 1 Tim 6:6 NIV

God's timing is always perfect. I was just telling Sarah this morning that I needed to get back to spending more time with Him. I love how He gently pursues us. Thank you, Donna, for the reminder that with Him we can face ANYthing. I am facing so little that it became too easy to forget.

Hanging in my House

People are often unreasonable and self-centered.
FORGIVE THEM ANYWAY.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives.
BE KIND ANYWAY.

If you are honest, people may cheat you.
BE HONEST ANYWAY.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous.
BE HAPPY ANYWAY.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
GIVE YOUR BEST ANYWAY.

FOR YOU SEE, IN THE END, IT IS BETWEEN YOU AND GOD.
It never was between you and them anyway.

-Mother Teresa-

Thanks, I Needed That.

The Rest of the List of Things I Want:

1. See previous entry for number one. (Note - accomplished on a walk with Kacey)
2. To love like God
3. More time with friends/deeper time with friends (especially Kacey, Lacie, Sarah, & Stacy)
4. To go see Janette at the hospital
5. A green dragon roll
6. A pedicure
   
7. Amaya to visit
8. All my laundry to be magically done
9. A massage
   
10. Talicia to live in San Jose
11. A pair of Red Engine jeans
12. Amaya's mom's chocolate mousse
    
13. To see my daughter's beautiful smile
14. To continue learning how to be a better friend
15. A vanity
    
16. My hubbie to be home from work
17. A bigger apartment (still on the wishlist, but no longer worrying about it)
18. "Eli Stone" to be un-canceled

The Beginning of a List of Things I Want:

Praise God!

I just received news that Richard is safely in Romania! He will begin working with the kids tomorrow. Keep he & his team in your prayers. Also, Cathie & her team left last night to go do many good works in Haiti. Amazing!! I'm so excited to hear about all the Lord is going to do!!

To Do List Day

As a mom I live in borderline chaos at all times. To reign in the madness I find little ways to organize. I have piles around the house, but I find these do more to add to the chaos than to decrease it. I color code my calendar (yes, really). I love it. Peter & Lenny love to get a hold of my beloved sharpies and mess with me by adding things in the wrong colors. Beyond that, it is a wonderful sanity enhancing tool. I also make to do lists. I have done this for years (I used to make other people lists too...teehee). When I became a mom one of my adjustments was realizing that my lists were more than a tad too ambitious. I had to realize what I got done in a day before now took three. The bigger adjustment was accepting that and being O.K. with it. I think I have come to this place, for the most part. Today is a day of grand "To Do List" expectations. I'm hoping to get it all done, but I'm preparing myself for forced acceptance if it doesn't happen. Wondering what goes on this list? Here you go:

• Shower (yes, that goes on the list)
• Katie over
• Mail baby shower invitations
• Pick up alterations (News to no one - I'm short)
• Stride Rite (baby is growing like crazy & her very cute, very wide feet need new shoes)
• Apple store (my new ipod, that recently replaced my old new ipod, is angry with me) (sidenote - I am beginning to be concerned that I am the opposite & adult version of Baby Touch & Go on "Heroes")
  
• Rico & Rachel over for mtg.
• Wii Fit
• Bible Study

I realize this is not a long list, but in the midst of this I will feed, clothe, and care for my child. Therein lies the challenge. I'll let you know how I do.