Saturday, March 12, 2011


I'm going through a hard season.  In it I've found I'm not as open as I used to be.  I've fallen into exactly what I've always hated...pretending everything is fine.  I'm fighting that and opening up to friends and family.  I decided the next step was to open up here.  This is, in part, a blog about motherhood because, in part, I am a mother.  I love being a mother of two.  There are, of course, moments I'm not so sure I'm qualified for this "hardest job you'll ever love," but I find that loving them so much makes me qualified.  Beyond that love I fumble through with plenty of prayer and my best.  My biggest struggle this time around has been with nursing.  With my first there were some general struggles, but all in all it was wonderful.  I even ended up nursing her a few months longer than the year I had originally intended.  With my new little it has been something entirely different.  It started out well, but then in the last two months or so we've been facing some serious challenges.  I'm very committed to nursing.  I want to continue until she is a year old not only because of the amazing bonding experience it can be, but because it makes such a difference for her health and future.  I know many people don't have the option to nurse and would never judge, but for me it has been a non-negotiable.  If you don't want to know too much (or know I'd be embarrassed by your knowing) this is the time to wave off (I'll bold later if you want to just skip ahead).  Enter what the doctor calls "suction and latch issues" (she's latching, but not properly and is a bit too strong).  That led to bleeding, horrible pain, and then to the dreaded mastitis.  I've been very tempted to give up, but I'm not going to.  If I was strong enough to unintentionally birth her without medication I can get through this for her.  (Skip to here) I just want to be able to be a good mom and wife at the same time.  I feel like that is there area where I'm achieving an epic fail at times.  I'm less patient when in pain.  Couple this with my toddler who skipped the terrible twos almost entirely, only to invent the Amazing but Willful Threes and you get a very cranky mommy.  I praise God for providing me the fruit of the Spirit (chiefly patience and self control) in moments when I don't have them (or anything else) left in me.  Thankfully my family is patient with me.  I finally decided to mention what I've been going through here because I found so much comfort in the blogs I found online where moms shared their own struggles.  So to Sarah (from Becoming Sarah) & Jessica (from The Leaky B@@b, link below), thank you so much for your authenticity and transparency.  I'm not going into much detail here, but if there are others facing these things please feel free to contact me and I will share my experiences or just offer support.  For now here are some things that are helping me out today:

My beauties

My hubbie

but most of all,
"I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." 
Philippians 4:13


  1. My sweet friend, I don't have words that will be of any real help in a tangible, applicable way because I'm not a mom so I've never personally experienced any of these issues. However, I can say I love you and instead of just saying I'll pray for you I'm going to be authentic like you were in your entry. I'm going to say I'll write a post-it that says "Pray for Courtney" and try to get at least one in a day. If it helps, everything you've shared about Aubrie with me and the rest of your family and friends shows us that you are doing a wonderfully successful job. Epic fail?! Oh I wanted to just bonk you on the noggin for that one. You are SO far from an epic fail. They are healthy, they are safe, they are loved and they are being raised in a home centered on Christ. You've done exactly what motherhood is all about. That's it. You're doing it. And doing it well. I love you.

  2. Thanks, Pumpernickel. I love you.

  3. Love you Corey, and remember... you can pretty much always find me on FB if you wanna chat and pour out what's in your heart.
    Blessings my friend,